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Job Application 101: for Parents!

 
This job ad recently turned up in a national paper... or did it?
woman breastfeeding wearing a suit
By Catherine Goldfain

Pic: Shutterstock

PARENTS WANTED!

Apply now for a job of a lifetime!
Have you always dreamed of OWNING YOUR OWN CHILD?
Or perhaps you're already an owner, looking to brush up on your
parenting technique.

Apply now on www.how-to-lose-your-mind.com

Job description:
  • Must be able to function on a few hours' sleep- or less, for at least six months.
  • Must be open to redecorating of home and car (by means of crayons, finger-paint, milk, jam, excrement etc.)
  • Must forsake privacy. Absolutely.
  • Must be willing to live without disposable income.
  • Must be a nurse, nanny, cleaner, entertainer, teacher, spy- and, at times, a magician!
  • Cannot be squeamish (ability to handle poo and vomit vital!)
  • Must be willing to sacrifice (eg. hobbies, figure, leisure time, sleep)
  • A sense of humour is essential!
Salary Options:

This is an unpaid position. (You will, in fact, be expected to pay your child for the privilege).

The following was the application that clinched this highly sought-after position:

JOB APPLICATION FOR THE ROLE OF: PARENT
***Please note:  Should your application be successful, no trade-ins or returns will be accepted!

Name:
Mrs Oops Ididitagain

Career history:
2009- current: Managing Director, Financial Manager, Secretary, Caterer, Entertainer, Nurse, Housekeeper, Taxi Driver and Head of Training at Mother of Two Incorporated
2000-2008

Let's just say this was the time when I was well-groomed, gainfully employed and actually managed to go to the toilet in private.

Skills/talents:

handling very demanding bosses!
  • Waste removal: including sewage, snot, vomit and a variety of garden stains.
  • Rescuing cell phones from the toilet and swimming pool.
  • Surviving on two hours sleep for months on end.
  • Extricating plasticine, beans and breakfast cereal from toddlers' ears.
  • Stacking the dishwasher with a baby at the breast, while simultaneously helping toddler dress.
  • Wearing a baby food-smeared jersey like it's the latest fashion statement.
  • Whipping up a range of wholesome yet eye-appealing toddler meals (that our labrador savours)
Achievements:
  • Not losing it when my two-year-old took it upon himself to scatter the entire contents of a cereal packet all over his sister's head, while in the (very lengthy) check out queue.
  • Looking blasé when my boob accidentally popped out while feeding my baby at the personal banker's desk.
  • Breastfeeding my ravenous daughter while my son and I both vomited into a bucket (it was a killer tummy bug!)
  • Keeping a brave face when my son (who cannot yet pronounce the word 'butterfly') , ran around the botanical gardens screaming 'die!', 'die!' 'die!'
Testimonials:
Quoted from a conversation between my two-year-old and his father:
Dad: “So Harry, who's the best Daddy in the world?”
Harry: “MOMMY!!!”

Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

 In serious debt? Just kidding. If not in the insane asylum, most certainly the pub. But in all likelihood, probably not. I'll be a saint by then. Of course...
Would you apply for the job of parent, knowing all of the skills you may require?

Read more on: humour  |  parenting
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