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'My daughter was at her brother’s birth'

I’m glad my daughter was there to welcome her brother at my home birth, says Sally-Jane Cameron.

By Sally-Jane Cameron

Article originally in Parent24

Having a child present at birth is a deeply personal decision. Some people want to share the joy of birth with their children, as part of the natural process of life, while others are very uncomfortable with the idea, and worry how the child will react.

When I was pregnant with my second child there was no doubt in my mind, that I wanted another home birth. Home, however, now included a small person of 2-years-9-months, and heaps of personality. I had to decide whether to involve her in the birth process or not.

Let's be clear: There is no right or wrong answer when it comes to a child being present at a sibling birth. Even the experts do not agree, some saying that it can be a wonderful experience for a child to be involved in, and one that aids in family bonding as well as the child accepting the new sibling, but even those who are pro, do not always agree if there should be an age limit.

Some say that children under 3 may lack the language and comprehension skills to be adequately prepared, while others claim that younger children are quite oblivious to the whole birth process, as long as they have a dedicated person looking after them and making sure their needs are met.

Other professionals feel that it might be traumatic to the child, or that having a child present might distract the mother from being able to properly focus on her labour, making the whole process slower and more difficult for her.

There is always research to be found to back up one view or the other. I simply think the main thing when making this decision, is that no professional knows you or your family better than you do, and so this is a decision you alone need to make, based on knowledge about your own personality and that of your children.

Prepare your child for their sibling’s birth

If you do decide to include them, here are some ways you might like to help prepare them for the big day.

Read stories about births, especially the type of birth that you are planning. I found a beautifully illustrated book about a home water-birth to help prepare my daughter. Named “Our Water Baby”, it gave us a change to discuss the birth process and what would happen. We discussed the possibility of blood, and the noises that may happen during the birth.

Depending on their age and willingness to be involved, it might be appropriate to show them birth videos. I remember pre-screening some home birth videos on YouTube, and choosing some that showed a relaxed natural birth at home, to help my daughter understand what would happen and what it would look like.

Have a dedicated caregiver for the child on the day of the birth. My sister came, to be with my daughter, and they read stories, played, jumped on the trampoline and picked flowers for me, leaving me free to labour without worrying about her. They came in for the actual birth and as soon as her brother was born, she took off all her clothes and jumped into the pool with us.

Be prepared for either you or your child to change your mind about them being present on the day.

Spend time after the birth, discussing their perceptions of the process. Reassure any fears or answer any questions they may have.

For me, having my daughter present was part of what made that day extra special. She often talks fondly of being at her brother's birth, being able to welcome him straight away and introduce herself as his big sister.

Would you include your child in a sibling’s birth?

Read more on: planning | pregnant | birth

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Greg

8/26/2010 2:42 PM

I think that for a child to have share the birth of a sibling in this way is truly wonderful. What an amazing experience to take forward in life. I think that the parents are to be commended. I wish that my daughter could have shared something as special as that but alas she is an only child.

Sue

7/29/2010 3:58 AM

That is absolutely sick. A 2 yr old does not need to see or hear about childbirth till he or she is ready to do so themselves. You are warping and traumatising a young child unneccesarily.

karenp

7/28/2010 4:34 PM

Hi Sally-Jane - it seems to me that you shared a wonderful, truly intimate experience with your daughter - at the start of your letter I thought - uh-uh, not a good idea - mommy screaming out in obvious discomfort and pain can be extremely traumatising for such a young child, but when I read that she was having a good time with your sister and was only there for the actual birth (not the labour process), I thought that was very special ... congrats on the new arrival and good luck with the challenges of raising 2 kiddies ...

Debbie

7/28/2010 3:50 PM

Yes, I agree Irene, birth is as natural as death but I would not let my 2 and a half year old child witness the death of a loved one either.Would you?As is sex, as Melinda rightly states, best left to the adults don't you think? Just for your information, I am the mother of 2 beautiful children who were both born at home.So please don't presume to judge before you know what you are talking about.

Debbie

7/28/2010 3:48 PM

Melinda

7/28/2010 2:02 PM

@Irene. Sex is natural as well, yet I wont let my little girl watch. There are so many natural things things that you learn for yourself when you are mature enough. I agree with Debbie.

irene

7/28/2010 1:33 PM

This is very presumptuous to think that the writer was selfish. Birth is as natural and death, and to hide these from your children, even a young age, can only lead to taboo subjects later. Anyone who voluntarily gives birth in a hospital doesnt know what thy are talking about anyways, how is THAT a healthy way for your child to be born, drugged up in a clinical strerile environment. Embrace the steps of life, even the uncomfortable ones. I will do the same, if in the position. Only trauma for the child will be if the mom doesnt deal well with the birth, and the child becomes afraid for his mom.

Debbie

7/28/2010 1:19 PM

I think it is a selfish decision, let a little girl have her childhood and you deal with the grown-up stuff, that's your job!!! I am very open-minded and liberal but come on, a 2 1/2 year old. Hope you can fix the scars in later life.

Michele Waters

7/28/2010 10:04 AM

So lovely!! Well done!

$$$$$

7/28/2010 6:51 AM

there is an increased onset of drug taking amongst children between the ages of nine and 11. By 11, many have already become addicted. Alcohol, dagga, mandrax and dagga-mandrax used to be the drugs of choice. The picture is different nowadays with a much higher incidence of heroin abuse or -dependence. Surely, children’s main concerns should have been dating, pimples and iPods? How does it happen that children barely out of primary school overdose on mainline drugs? "By the time a child leaves high school, every single one would have come into contact with drugs – whether they chose to use them or not. Between half and a third of all males will have experimented with illegal substances by the time they hit Grade 11."

Elifri Riomn

7/28/2010 6:36 AM

i think it is a ridiculous idea. An old man once told me there is a time and place for everyone and everything. Knowing too much can harm you. You can take a child and turn "it" into a doctor, lawyer and a rocket scientist or a convict on death row. The choice really lies with you. Knowing too little or knowing too much can be destructive, Nowadays, parents exceed their requirements from their children and in the process create monsters.

DoulaTam

7/27/2010 3:27 PM

I think you should be flexible like all things involved with birth and take it as it comes. I think the decision rests with your "sibling" child at the end of the day, they will decide on the day what they want to do. But yes... I think siblings @ births is lovely.