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Farewell to the fairytale

Is a happy ending too much to ask for me and my child?

By Cath Jenkin

Pic: iStockphoto.com

Article originally in Parent24

Once upon a time, I believed in fairytales. That every girl is destined to be swept off her feet, have a happy home, a bonny baby and a love who stood by her through the waves of life.

In that fairytale, people didn’t die; people didn’t change; people didn’t leave and people didn’t cry.

In my first year of living that fairytale, everything fell apart.

My beautiful daughter was born, my beloved father died and my ‘partner’ forced me to make the choice to do it on my own.

Single parenthood hit me like a brick and a cushion. It knocked me to the ground and buoyed me through every day. It’s the choice I had to make and I made with my heart, my brain and my hands.

I still believed that fairytale existed somewhere, and I was determined to find out. As it turned out, time and time again, it wasn’t anywhere I looked.

One day, my fairytale walked in to my office and said: “we should date”.

Understandably, the prospect of a future together scared us both. So we worked at it, slowly. Slowly, like it should, the feeling of a future, however cobbled, began to bloom. Even when I tried to stop it, and he did too, the idea had sprung itself.

It took me what seemed like forever to introduce my 3-year-old daughter to him. And she, like me, fell in love from the first hello.

Sure, he wasn’t kid friendly. But, he coped just fine when my daughter upchucked her dinner on his feet. I didn’t ever need him to be a parent – I knew I was enough. I just needed him there for me. He stood by me in the hell of every parent’s nightmare. I was okay because he was there.
That was always going to be enough for me. And he let me know that was good enough for him.

So, when he came out with “I want something normal”, I was shocked. I had been lulled straight back into the fairytale and here again, that little book was being burnt up.

I pried deeper and deeper still. Then it landed on me like the walls of my home had imploded.

It’s the kid.

It took him a year of knowing her, helping me put her to bed at night sometimes, of understanding that she came first, and having that not matter to him… for him to man up and tell me it was a problem. It took him a year of discovery, charm and dancing. It took him a year of having my daughter curl up into his arms. It took him a year of putting up with my insanity, and me staying firm and never throwing my hands up in the air.

It took him a year to have me fall in love with him, the way he always wanted me to, to make him realise that he didn’t want it at all.

There is never a choice for me. I always made it clear that the choice did not ever have to include him. If he wanted in, he could have it. So when he said he wanted in, I let him in.

He knew. He knew the day we went to the park and sunned ourselves. He knew the night we stared at the fish. He knew when he went to London and called and she told him she loved him on the phone.

It was a good and equitable arrangement, tied up with love string and a triangle of ice cream eaters.

It took him a year of giving me the fairytale I and my daughter deserve, to realise he didn’t want to be part of it anyway.

Never mind my heartbreak. He left her too.

How can you help a child understand and cope with a break-up?

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Cath

4/17/2009 12:18 PM

By the way, gary, the person in question on this article was NOT the father of my child. Seriously now...

Gary

4/16/2009 11:54 AM

As a senior member of Fathers 4 Justice we understand what it is like to not have our children in our lives. Unlike the author and the mothers that have already responded we do not have the luxury of having our children on terms that are not only suitable but ultimately for the good of the child. Invariably we as good fathers that want to fully and comprehensively participate in the lives of our children have to go through years of exceptionally expensive legal battle to get even a smidgen of begrudged access to our children. We would like to implore mothers to please leave the children out of the battle and let the child have their rightful relationship with their fathers. In the same vain we are sick and tired of fathers that impede on our relationship who do not take responsibility for their children. Fathers 4 Justice is neither a pro dad or anti mom, but a child first organisation. We look forward to hearing from and working with mothers you on this very emotional complex subject. Visit our website www.f4j.co.za

Brigid Gillbee

4/16/2009 8:45 AM

Fantastic thank you, going through the same

Talita

2/21/2009 10:16 PM

I'm so sorry hun, you honestly deserve the best :( well written - lots of hugs.

Cath

2/21/2009 9:45 PM

Thank you Janine. I don't think he's an arsehole. Which is probably testament to my still-love for him. But I just don't understand. I will, in time, I realise. For the moment though, I'll be reading fairytales to my daughter and making up our very own XXX

Janine

2/21/2009 12:37 PM

Arsehole. Beautifully written and so true: she's suffering a loss just like you. Strength and peace to you both. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

taryn

2/20/2009 2:15 PM

Cath, i tear as is write this to u!!! Cam is blessed to have u as her mom..... never give up... u will realise ur dream someday

angel

2/20/2009 1:56 PM

oh crappers cath... i wanna smack him and ask him why... i have such a lump in my throat its not funny! and you know what, it was for this reason that i was single for as long as i was- only daring to date again when i was swept off my feet and my son was 16 already! his heartbreak when i split up with a boyfriend was more than i could bare... you are in my thoughts.

ExMi

2/20/2009 1:01 PM

he might have left you both, but he's the one who's missing out. he's the one who's losing out. missing out on female perfection x 2. because that's what you and your daughter are. perfection.

cath

2/20/2009 12:55 PM

Thank you people. Wonderful people. It wasn't my intention to hurt anyone with this article, but it was my intention to speak my truth, and hope that someone out there will resonate, and not feel alone. If there's one person out there that will feel not so alone, after reading this, then I know speaking my truth was good. X

Bee

2/20/2009 12:43 PM

Aaww my soul sister... we go through the same things ALL the time - I have no words... love you lots.

Justin McCall

2/20/2009 12:39 PM

Ah, Cath my angel, you are amazing with your words and thoughts. I dont understand why you, of all people, have to deal with this. It's just not fair. Love you tons!

Dolce

2/20/2009 12:39 PM

Heartbreaking. Eish, Cath. What a powerful piece.

Jeanette Verster

2/20/2009 12:37 PM

Your poor baby :( That is so so well written. Hope you find your prince one day

Samantha Perry

2/20/2009 12:16 PM

Beautifully written babe. Made me cry too. All love and hugs.

SheBee

2/20/2009 11:48 AM

I have tears in my eyes. This was so honest, so true, so beautifully real. I wish you a happy ending, with someone who deserves it.

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