Posted by: Bonnie on 07 October 2010
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what about the other child (assuming a girl?). why is it your sons fault only, she was also curious, or are they alledging he raped her? Become his friend, not his enemy.
Is this normal? WTF are you smoking? What do you expect from a child with a mother asking idiotic questions like this. Your son needs to get moered properly and you need to go for counselling.
gotto love africa. total degeneration of values.
bleh, screw it.
"He was disciplined and said he would never do it again"???
Wow never like in never ever again? Shame poor kid shagged once when he was 10 and never again... I feel sorry for this kid having such a dumb mother.
That child has an unusual interest in sex at this age and it was most probably brought on by an encounter with explicit sexual material, either on TV, in a book or where he socializes. You are going to have a hard time preventing him from engaging in sexual "misconduct" from now one, sorry to say. He has been switched on and there's no return to not knowing about sex. You'll have to be strong and supportive. Good luck.
Indeed Leon, you are the only one here that talks sense. I hope that mother let her daughter/son also go for counselling. If a child was sexually molested, they are aware of sex much younger. Seems here is something amiss with either one of the two children. If I were you, I would insist that the other kid also go for counselling. Typical. If it was a boy/girl situation, now the boy is being made out the devil. She could have been the instigator in this. If your house is in order.
"It is no use disciplining him". You gotta be kidding me? Your as much as a professional as I am a one legged donkey. These things happen more so because of the advice given to people by the so called professional above. We cannot seem to understand why we are having these serious moral decay in society yet the methods we use are FAIL. What your son needs is one hell of a smack followed by a talk about why he got smacked.
Wow. But judging my the replies, once again it is automatically the boy who is wrong. I'm sorry but a 10 year old boy doesn't sexually penetrate a 9 year old girl without both parties being cooperative. The "answer" even suggests that the other parent could lay charges. Why shouldn't the boy's parents lay charges too then? C'mon people.
Author, this is a very serious situation. Unfortunately your so-called 'disciplining' the child is really not the solution at all. This behavior is a symptom of an underlying psychological problem and both yourself together with the father of your son and both of the other child's parents need to come together and consult a professional. The children need counselling and it seems so do you.
Young boys usually find other less 'practical' methods of relieving themselves and this whole scenario does not sound normal. I suspect there is more to this story.
look. for some reason unknown to even the gods. When people have children, they become stupid and they become blind to acknowledge that children are, in fact, little humans. Yeah I know wtf, who would've thought. It is normal for kids to express sexual behaviour. Kids touch themselves whole time. I remember when I was 5, myself and the girl next door did naughty things when the folks couldn't see. You knew it was wrong but it felt good, that is why you did it. And it wasn't because of lack of parental guidance or tv shows. I mean the tannies watched you like a hawk, but there would be sometimes when a hawk sleeps or watches a soap operah, then it's game on. We were evil little sh!ts.
Seriously kids aren't these little innocent creatures with a mind waiting to be corrupted by Marilyn Manson and bad tv. They're human and have very much the same instinctive behaviour. That's why they love, hate, lust, get angry and all the normal things. It's what keeps us alive.
I've 'penetrated' a willing partner younger than me numerous times from age 7 to about 12. All part of experimenting & fun. In a time of no TV, no talking about sex & strict Christian upbringing to the extreme. I was never found out and as far as I can tell it did not make me (or her) a devil. Been faithfully married to my soul mate (1st marriage!) for more than 30 years so that seems to be unaffected as well. Get over it - it was part of fun! Explain to them the dangers and consequences if they do the same once they get older and trust them to make informed decisions thereafter. They might not fully appreciate it now but they'll thank you later!
Geez, what an over-reaction by everybody to a fairly normal life experience!
Blaming the media & whoever else is just ridiculous. I'm 40, so was never exposed to 'sexually explicit' TV in my young days ... but I can honestly tell you that when I was about 10 I was playing 'doctor doctor' with some of the girls in the neighbourhood. Because sex is such a taboo subject for many people, it gets avoided ... & kids pick up on that, so they are naturally even more curious. South Africa is still a very conservative society, & as a result we have far too many people grow up with sexual hangups. Holland is much more open & they have lower teen pregnancies, sexual deviants, etc.
We don't know what sort of penetration we are dealing with here, the sexes involved, & yet 'experts' are suggestion counselling. FFS people, societies laws & hangups have made things like this 'a problem'. Nature says its normal behaviour. Do you find a pet counsellor for your 8 month pup when he tries to hump you leg?
Expert advice ... whatever ...
I am with "Antagonist", kids will be kids, but try and help and support him, good education is a start and counseling. I've also been there when i was around 7 and was made out to the bad kid and did not get counseling, my parents was divorced and i don't think my mom or step dad knew how to handle it. Now married with two daughters and realized that you need to keep your kids occupied with the right things, be there to guide them...
For crying out aloud this is all being blown right out of the water. We all did it when we were young and hopefully we have all turned out ok. I think the Parenting Expert should go for some real life lessons. I would most certainly not let her near my child. Draw the child closer, dont push him away.
I have brought up two boys - now parents themselves. Sex is part of life and very interesting to children from an early age. Especially when parents try to eliminate all reference to it from the household.
Fortunately we had a small farm so procreation was no secret . I also gave them an extremely good publication ( I think it came free with "Mother" magazine) which explained human sex and sexulality. I believe only openness in answering questions right from when they notice the difference between boys and girls works. Yes it is difficult but avoiding the issue makes it even more likely they will experiment inappropriately.
What a complete over reaction. This behaviour is completely normal, as confessed by many others on this site. Been there done that at age 7, and turned out just fine. Its the tharapy that will ruin the kids and make them feel like freaks when all they were doing is acting on a natural impluse. Your expert doesn't have a clue!
That's right people: Over react like this and you'll land up raising a very insecure or sexually confused boy. He has done nothing wrong. We are all different. Some kids are aware of sexuality at the age of 5 or 6. The 2 of them must both be taught to wait to do these things, that's all.
While I agree with all who say this is a complete over-reaction, I will say this: If I catch some little shit penetrating my 9 yr old daughter I will moer him and his parents - properly! Lessons will be learnt all round and we will move on.
WOW, seriously calm down! This is quite normal, except for the part that you should have explained *BEFORE* it happened. If you don't tell your kids about these things they'll try figure it out themselves. Humans are curious by nature. At least 90% of my friends, myself included, "experimented" like this as a young child. For me it happened a couple of times. The first time when I was about 8 initiated by a 10 year old girl who wanted to "play doctor".
You need to speak openly about sex and actually tell him that what he's doing isn't okay.
Lucky little bugger..... He's gonna be a playa!!!
Wow...we all know dat kids grow up so fast these day.Teach ur kids about sex,otherwise the streets will teach them the wrong things.No it is not ok for a ten and nine year old to have sex....kids are so ripe these days a baby could be conceived.Wow...
an open channel of communication between child and parents are a must in today's society. Answer the questions as they arise not when the bomb explodes! Yes sexuality is normal but it also entails a huge responsibility, that is why adults have sex and not children. Explaining that there is more to sex than just the mechanics (physical) also makes them think about the responsibility that it entails. we regularly talk openly about sex in our house and so far as I know my 13year old has not tried it yet...
I agree with a lot of the people here. This is normal behaviour. I as a 7 year old in the late 70s did a similar thing with a willing 7 year girl. There was no sexual content on TV or radio, no internet, so how did we know to do it? Instinct? Well it was great fun and extremely exciting. We could not have proper sex as our sex organs were not "functioning" fully. It is not something wrong , deviant or evil! I think it makes it worse to withold and remove all sexual material from the home. Kids need to be educated about the consequences and dangers but they should not be punished, that will make them think sex is wrong and evil. Personally I think the big problem is that here in SA we still view sex as being "evil" and is quite a taboo subject. If we were more open about sex and sex education I think we would have a lot fewer teenage pregnancies. I also agree with the expert that the kid and parents need to go for councelling but not to "fix" the child's "deviant" behaviour but to put things into perspective and to educate the child about sex. Sex is not wrong, it is our real reason or existing - continuation of the species.
Not all children are interested in sex at his age, something must have triggered him - maybe something triggered the girl. Don't punish either of them, sex is a part of life and they should never think that it is dirty and a sin. Professional help is not always what it is supposed to be - my approach is to calm down and talk to your child about this without blaming and tell him that he should ask when he needs to know. If you are uncomfortable talking about sex, not knowing where to begin - get a book which explains exactly how everything works, read through with your son and explain if he needs to know more. My son also wanted to know - we talked and I gave him the book "Wat 'n seun wil weet" - now we go through the questions he has with the book in hand. Now it is only a matter of trusting him to make the proper choices - I hope he does...
Although I never penetrated anyone as a child, there was experimentation with neighbourhood children, children of parents friends etc. My wife has also told me that she had similar experiences as a child. We're both normal. If there was no violence or coercion, I think this is a storm in a tea cup. It should be dealt with the way any sort of inappropriate behaviour is dealt with. Therapy and criminal charges seem seriously OTT. Any way, if there are charges, who will be charged ? In this age of equality, why should the boy be branded a criminal
Really people, this is completely normal. Yes granted 9 and 10 is a little early but we all develop differently and at deferent ages. For one thing I wouldn’t be surprised if the girl, (presuming it was) initiated the whole thing to start with. (Most girls develop before boys). Secondly punishing them and making them promise they will never do it again….Hey you have the problem and you are going to totally screw that kid up. Yes get to the bottom of things and try find out how it all came about and educate them about boundaries and that they should wait till they are older and find the right person they love. Ect. My opinion is find a good open minded professional to help with communicating with the kids. Not some old fashioned religious fanatic that will ruin them for life, just because they did what come natural.
If I do comparisons, when I was about 9, my and a girl was playing alone, as kids are we tickle ect, eventually we tried having sex, but had no idea what we were doing and got no where, we were not matured enough to really do anything, years later, I have a son at 12 did not even know what masturbate mean, he watched the movie transformer where the mother asked her son if he was masturbating, difficult question to answer as you do not want your kids to get ripe before they ready, I just said at the time it is when you play with your privates, if you lie to your kids, then they will never be open with you and will never be able to discuss their possible sexual problems with you, if there is an open channel, keep it that way, that is why we have so many teenage pregnant girls today, they are to scared to tell their parents they had unprotected sex, if they told their parent and they could trust their parent for advice and help, then it would have been possible to help the child there and then, I know I would most probably be angry if my daughter tell me that she had sex, but as I have explained to her, it is better to tell me and not to wait to find out later that she is pregnant, at least then preventing her from falling pregnant is the better option.
Asking kids to promise to never do it again, will you never do it again have sex, no, why expect your child to make a promise they can not keep.
Running for counseling, unless the child show serious signs of strange sexual behaviour at a very young age which effect him at school and other places, then seek help urgently, then something happened to trigger that, a child finding there is more to their private parts, is called discovering their body, you can not teach your child that, they have to find out for themself.
It is important to never lie to kids if they ask questions, but be discreet, they have their whole life ahead to find out for themselves.
The schools teach the kids a lot more than you think, kids get sexual education at a very young age.
@CTS 2010/10/18 11:26 AM - Glad to see there are other guys as well who experimented with sex form an early age.
OMW people this boy obviously needs help if that was my daughter i would definately press charges. Or if that was my son i would get him the help he needs. To pretend like it is not gonna happen again will just push him further into this. Next time he might do this with a younger child, what do you think will happen to him then?
I was involved with a mother of such a child. It was a constant spate of incidents with other parents, serious stuff, penetration and molesting... I got drawn in on this due to my 'love' for the mother. But she also pleaded ignorance and off to psychologist we go. She refused to deal with it. Eventually I couldnt stay after the child started vandalising cars in public, and I have to deal with the owners. I was not allowed to discipline the child. Bad road ahead for you, discipline the child or it will get worse very quickly.
I agree with all the comments that as a parent you need an open relationship with your children and you need to educate and guide your children in all every way possible from as early as possible. Anything less and you're failing your child as a parent. I also agree that you shouldn't punish your child (unless they've actually done something wrong or forceful) but make sure they are 100% aware that their actions can have deadly consequences.
I disagree with those people stating it's okay to experiment and 'penetrate' as children. Maybe back in the day when diseases were less common but in our current society there is a VERY good chance that your child will have this kind of sexual contact with a child that has HIV/AIDS, etc. and as a good parent you should be aware of this and not be so damned ignorant. Being curious is one thing but having your child suffer and die ahead of their time because it was 'okay in your day' is ridiculous.
I agree with all the comments to some extent. Sexual awakening, that's normal (ages differ). Sexual education and openness by parents to talk about it, that is crucial. Labeling this kid or the other kid involved, completely unnecessary. Either one or both these kids could have been victims of a prior sexual molestation and that not only by an adult, but another abused child. By treating these two kids like freaks will only create a vicious circle. Get both of them to counciling to eliminate any abuse and for Pete's sake, don't get the kid into the car and tell him/her that he now 'has' to go see a shrink because he was naughty or has done something wrong! Help them to heal, don't rub salt into an already open wound....
I agree with Antagonist. Total overreaction.
If you 'discipline' a child (whatever that means) because of something like this, he/she will have an unnecessary negative connotation with sex for the reset of his/her life, like many of the people who commented here obviously have.
Why is it always the males that is in the crossfire??? If a girl gets pregnant it is always the boy... Bull!! Who opened her legs?? both parties are to blame for this unless it is a rape case. If it is no rape it means it was with concent. I know both of this kids are minor but still... I know many people with disagree with me on my statement but it is my view. (BTW I have kids of my own)
"Normal"? Surely you know the answer for that? Of course it's not "Normal" - I'm amazed you even think you need to ask!
Sorry! The advice given by the professional could not be more wrong. The only investigation required is to determine that your son did not force himself on the young girl. If the penetration was consensual, it should be accepted as normal sexual curiosity that will happen when children of this age are left unsupervised. It is imperative that the children are not left criminalized and just as imperative that both sets of parents acknowledge that their parenting skills need attention.
Punishment for your son should be no more than a lecture from Dad about the "birds and the bees" followed by an apology to the other child's parents. You should expect the same from the other child.
It has to be the biggest irony of all that in an era where every music video is practically a mini porn film, parents are so ignorant and easily petrified. First off, as far as I know, and I base this on the fact that I have yet to meet a person who has not done it, children do things like play doctor and try to feel each other up and yes even try to emulate what it's like to have sex.
I am certainly not suggesting that we allow 10 year olds to go around having sex, but I am suggesting that parents stop freaking the f**k out. Unless one of the children involved was raped, what happened was perfectly normal and natural. These children are curious and should be spoken to about sex. If you can't talk to your children openly about sex, there are plenty of books or dvds on the subject that are suitable for children.
Sex is natural. We may not want to think of our children being sexual, but treating them like freaks because of their sexual curiosity makes things worse and gives your child a complex about their body and about sex.
This was just experimenting out of curiosity. BUT Anne's advice is sound. He should be made aware of the dangers of doing the same in a few years' time (a teenage pregnancy and/or landing up in Juvenile Court). There are good age relevant video's & books covering the topic in a clear, clean fashion. Make use thereof!
Recently a friend of mine informed me about her son being curious at school; I’m not even talking about penetration. To make things worse it’s a Christian based school. Instead of adult Christian people handling the situation correctly and discreetly, they’ve blown the whole situation out of proportion. The short of the story is that the boy has been expelled, he still needs to complete his exams for the year and adult teachers are treating him openly like a criminal. My question is, isn’t it adults that needs to take a good hard look at how they treat a situation? Normally it is us who are at fault.
The response from this Social worker is mind blowingly disproportionate. Be afraid of shrinks and social workers , they are a very self perpetuating lot.
Also the response from the moer him crowd , explains why SA is so 'f'd Up as a society. It is this crowd that wants to beat a child for experimenting and exploring the second strongest instinct given to man to ensure the survival of the species. Without those perfectly normal and natural urges ( albeit early) - the human race would cease to exist. It is called curiosity. Sit down with your kid and have a chat about what the consequences could be and encourage him to wait a while as it is a little early for that sort of thing.
Be calm and friendly about it. Love him dont punish him.
So Sad to see all the Calvanistic crap I had forced down my throat growing up in SA is still firmly entrenched in so many peoples minds. They just have no clue.
I agree with your advice.