Posted by: Crazy person on 23 June 2011
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Yes, more and more mothers are asking this question because they sleep around and being faithful is not option these days...
If the step-dad has stuck around for 9 years, I'm not sure it is fair to question his commitment to you or your daughter. The reality is that, as your daughter grows up, both he and you, will continually have to redefine your relationships with her. Some periods will be good, others bad.
YES MICHELLE, spoken like a true Angel.
Did you even read the letter? On the other hand, it takes one to know one, or was it birds of a feather ???????
MICHELLE , clearly you don't possess the ability to read because if you did YOU WOULD not have made such an idiotic comment........ What a twat you are !!!
@Crazyperson , i think you should tell your daughter that he is not her real father but leave it up to her whether she wants to meet him or not. Dont be so quick to assume that all of a sudden he is treating her bad. Talk to him and se what he says.
That's the problem with women when they want to fall in love with another man. First and foremost, a child should know her real father, there is no way a step dad can deny the reality that the child is his. Most women can't handle the relationship between a step father and step daughter. The reality is that both parties should know, and conditions should be set of how they meet and when. The step father should be able to have a child on the weekends and support her child.
The other issue now is how the real Dad is going to react when he finds out he has a kind. Surely he should have some sort of say whether or not his daughter is adopted? Dont feel sorry for you Mom, too many Dads getting the short end of the stick.
@Michelle: I'm pretty sure that the code of moral conduct that you use to justify your statement, also deals with being non-judgemental of others! I fail to see the point of your comment, the child was born 9 years ago, your 'good advice' is almost a decade overdue and your quip about morality does little to inform the situation at hand. The only thing I can think you hoped to achieve by making the comment that you did is to show the world how simultaneously; saintly and ignorant you are.
I have a similar situation except my son is 12. I have spoke to our psychologist who said we must tell him but we must do so when we are together and when we have a lot of time to spend together, my husband and I have chosen December to do this. However, do not question your husband's committment to your child, he has been around so long he loves her. Make sure that both of you are available to your daughter over a time period.
Your husband may be transferring his issues with you to the child. If he's been around for that long, and his behaviour was perfectly acceptable before, then the issue is more than he just woke up one morning and decided he was going to be mean to her. He's having issues with you, his life, or his family, etc. He's obviously not dealing with them particularly well, or fairly to the child. But, I think you have a unit, and the issues are within the unit - deal with it as a unit.
My husband on the other hand is totally against me telling our son that he is not the biological dad. Certain family members however mentioned this to my son..what now?
Firstly, How legal is this adoption of the Biological father was not aware of the child to begin with?
Secondly, I think that you are looking for a potential reason for why he is "picking on her". You feel guilty about the whole situation, and in doing so, your guilt is manifesting itself in a different way. It seems as though you have always wondered about whether he loves her or not, and now that an issue arises, you seem to relate the issue to your insecurities.
I agree with the other posters - I think he does love her, especially after 9 years! Perhaps they have a playful relationship and she is going through puberty or something and is a little sensitive? Perhaps you are really reading too much into this.
@Michelle -what does messing around have to do with this..please if you dont have any constructive advise to give, just shup up!!
Crazy person - please you and your husband mst get some counselling before its too late.
It is NEVER a good idea to live a lie in terms of your child's biological heritage. Adopted kids have to know. In this case I don't think you should assume the problem is that that your husband isn't your daughter's biological father. Biological parents also develop issues with their kids, and of course issues with each other are often reflected on the kids. Counselling would seem to be the way to go.
I am a Daddy but not a Biological Father. Firstly to get the legal question asked earlier. Yes the process is legal if the the couple was never married. The biological father does not have to give permission. Secondly we went for councilling on the decision to tel or not tell. The advice was to start off at 5 with a comment of Daddy did not plant the seed in mommy. Later on when the sex talks arrived then a more detailed version was told. Good or not good we were overseas for 10 years but on return at age 11 the eventual meeting was set up. Both biological mom and biological father were there for the start and then my daughter was left alone for a few hours. Today the biological father is part of life and no one prevents anyone from seeing anyone. He has never paid a cen and noone is complaining or requesting anything. It's a long process but I am glad we have done what we have done. I would do it al over again knowing what I know today. Ad the biological father you will always be the father. As a dad I will always be Daddy. I will walk my daughter to the alter on her wedding day but if she chooses I have no problem with the biological father being there.
Kick the stepfather out, you are her mother, how can you allow a brute to belittle your child. She will grow up feeling worthless and hating you for allowing this to happen. Where are your parents (NOT HIS) speak to them. But don't allow it to happen a moment longer. Your comforts of getting away from him are less than what she has to bear.
Some of the people here are so bally cruel, she asked a question and gets a barrage of character assassionations
Confused lady. Your ordeal is sad as you started the fire. It is not up to you to judge if the biological father is "unstable" thus not suitable to raise a kid. Once you take other people as items in a a catalog you will keep on making the same mistakes. A child can change a persons perception so the bio-father needs to know. It is not up to you to change a child's life based on your relationship issues. If you dont like him leave him, but with a decision and he will decide if he wants to abonden you guys...then you can look for people to adopt your kid. As for the advice, please do tell your kid now but get proffessional help on how to, as the kid may take it the other way and can go stray. Thereafter you might not be able to control the situation. You also need to consult your husband on your plans which include telling the biological father the news. Lastly, use a condom when you decide to have sex with guys you feel are unstable.
Why, oh why, did you hide such an important issue to your daughter all these years! There is no justification for hiding such information from your child. Yo ask what future will your daughter have without fatherly love, I'd ask what future does she have with a mother that hides things from her.
I have been through this before. To my mind how can step father turn against a child he should of know that the child is going be part of his life forever? There is no amount of concealing that will change his mind. He needs to change his thinking, and be a love Father to her. Lastly being 9 is still the easy time, the teenage years are still coming.
To all men out there if you find yourself in this position know the lady comes with the children accept the children as your own. I did and it worked
I wonder if biological father was "unstable" before or after she had a baby with him. If before, why did she get pregnant with an "unstable" man? If after, well I'm a dad, and I would also become "unstable" if someone denied me access to my own daughter, she is the most precious thing in my life.
And stepdad has been there for 9 years and is legally the dad, you can't just take her away from him.
This woman is trouble, and now she is causing pain for everyone around her - real dad, stepdad, and worst of all the child.
What you should do is follow the advice and get counselling with your husband, and tell the truth to your daughter.
@maureen "brute"? There is no evidence here that the stepdad has done anything.
personally I think that you are bad news! How the hell can you keep something thats so important from your daughter?? Disgusting is what it is and I hope you really suffer for doing this!!
Clearly ditch the dodo - you and ure baby are a package - you cant have one without the other. if he's ugly to her he's ugly to you - send him packing!
My girlfriend at the time fell pregnant and we finally broke up, she has cut all communication between my daughter and myself, has married another man, yet still asks my permission to have him adopt my daughter...
I know one day when i can afford to pay the costly lawyer fees i will fight to have a relationship with my daughter that both of us deserve.
But i can only fight one battle at a time....
PLEASE, your daughter needs to know, let her, with your husband and yourself to guide her, make up her own mind. Maybe she has an idea he is not her biological father already. Or maybe your husband would also like to clean the slate and not hide anything from her.....he's just not showing it in a nice way.
BTW... i kinda agree with Michael.... its so wrong and cruel for all involved!
First, I would like to say that you are not alone. Way too many women make this very same mistake by keeping life changing information from their children. A child should know who their biological parents are earlier rather than later. The fact that you chose not to let her biological father know he has a child, and I am summizing he does not know. This is a crime in itself. You do not say if the biological father knows he has a child with you. If he does and did not take the time to know her, speaks volumes for your choice of partners.
I would also speak to your daughter and ask her, if she knows why daddy is treating her bad. There might be legions of reasons for a stable father to suddenly change like that. Do not exclude abuse. I think you should come clean with your child, in every single aspect of this case. She should know tht your husband is not her biological father. She should know that her biological father is having difficulty and this is the reason you did what you thought best for her. She should know that NO ONE has the right to treat her badly, in any way. She should most of all know that she is loved. Loved by you, and all around her. I am not a specialist, but you need to come clean. I also think there are issues here, that you don't want to mention...Come clean to those involved. The bible teaches that " The truth shall set you free". Goodluck
I too was raised in a house under the impression my brother was my full brother, until constant trouble was happening in our home, and with my father refusing to pay university bills and maintenance for his adopted son, led my mother to eventually tell me at the ripe old age of 13 years old, with my half brother at 19yrs that my father was not his father. All this was told to me in her car on my way to freakin school, can you believe this? Kids and their half siblings must know what is going on, why all the secrets? Other than that, people need to stop sleeping around and making unwanted kids. If you thought the SPCA was full of unwanted animals then think how much more unwanted babies there are. My wife's brother made a woman pregnant even though he wore protection and she on the pill, it resulted in this woman sucking out as much money from him as possible and eventually he lost his job and was financially forced to sign the kid away, but also due to her not wanting him to see his own kid. Keep sex for marriage, it sounds dumb, it sounds primitive, but believe me, it prevents lots of unwanted problems including AIDS. You the reader, yes YOU reading this, your kid or kids might be walking this planet without you even knowing it, in the above case, some dude hasn't known for 9 years and still doesn't know.
Leave your husband. It really is that simple. If he has a problem with her now, then he always will. She is your priority. Motherhood means sacrifice. Find yourself another man later on. I'm a single mother of three - I speak from experience. And their biological father has never been around and its done them no harm at all. In fact, if he had been around, they wouldn't be the strong, kind, hardworking, smart kids that they are now. You don't need a man to make a family.