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Anne Cawood

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Question

Posted by: Angela Flynn on 23 June 2009

I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't feel connected to my daughter. I love her more than anything but think I'm to selfish and care about my self to much. How do I get that connection. I somtimes feel more that sometimes that she is bothering me. I want to do stuff with her and enjoy it. Please help me be a better mother.

Answer

This is difficult one. I would need to talk to you in more detail - in order to find out about your early bonding with your daughter.
Bonding is not always automatic - it takes time to build up and sometimes needs really hard work. I do think that you should consult a psychologist - or counsellor - in order to talk this through.

Read about early parent-child bonding. It is important to realise that parenting is hard work. When children are little (you don't say how old your daughter is) they have a mass of needs - and they need to have these met wherever possible. This is why we need to put our own needs aside initially - to meet their needs. In this way, they feel they can trust the world - and learn that parents have needs too.This is a slow process. An example of this is if a parent works all day and comes home tired, it is easy to become impatient with the demands of a young child - the child then becomes demanding and difficult. If the parent is able to spend some calm and focussed time with the child before doing chores or watching TV, the child will feel connected to - and then it is more likely that the parent will feel kindly disposed towards the child.

You do need to consciously work at this - it needs a great deal of patience and unselfish effort. Very good luck.

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