Posted by: michelle lawson on 12 January 2012
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Michelle, as a divorced mother of one boy, I understand how you feel. Letting our babies go is a terrifying thought and even harder to do. BUT, you have to put your fears aside. Just google fatherless daughters, father wounds (for boys), and see what later problems you will cause your children if you interfere with them and their father. You trusted this man enought to have kids with him. Arent you just fearful that they will have more fun at dad's place with all the maatjies there? They will have lots of fun there, believe me. Do you resent him having a new partner? Was she the reason you split up? Lots and lots of things makes us fearful. I am not over all my own insecurities three years after my divorce. Remember that most of those fears comes from the ego. Your children need their father to be their hero. The same way their children would want heros in their fathers. If you bugger up your children's relationship with their father, they are going to be disfunctional father/s to their children one day. Girls who does not have their father's love end up loving loosers and abusers one day. So, this is bigger than you or all your fears. Just let go and share with him. And the stupid new girlfriend. Talk to other divorced mothers and learn that you are not alone. Use the time you have to yourself when they are at dad's place to add some fun to your own life. Kids love it when mom is happy. It adds to their own happy childhood years. Dont spoil it for them. After three years I can tell you that in the beginning I used to balk my eyes out missing my son when he was with his dad and not with me. He is 7 now. Today, when he gets picked up I enjoy my off duty time. It took me a long time to get here. You will too. My son love my ex's girlfriend, the one he dumped me for. I hate that, I tell you. But I have to force myself to not spoil it for him. My ex and I share custody and he sees daddy every single day and sleeps over in the week, and we split weekends in two. They are very tight. I know the statistics are that my son will not end up a juvenile deliquent because of their strong loving bond. That is my gift to him. To put my own feelings aside and let him have it all. Love to you, and hang in, you will get there too.
Michelle,your problem lies in your own note..."I am letting him see".....self proclaimed power.....yeah..."1 day for 3 hours"....real bonding taking place in that time....why don't you reverse the roles....let him decide when and how you see the kids.....then you will feel real pain....mothers like you should not have kids
yeah youve exposed your own emotional distress here. god forbid the father tries to spend more than 3 hours a week with his kids i mean who does he think he is to challenge your god given right to decide when he may see them.
your bitter, and your afraid they like it more with him than with you. hey heress a thought. i think they are too young to live with a selfish selfcentered controll freak like you.
It is dissapointing that even today there can be situations that fathers are only allowed to see their children for 3 hours a week.
As a father of 2 boys this would be a nightmare for me.
With power comes responsibility. For some reason you have a lot of power here. Be responsible...help your kids keep their bonds with their father...give them the time they need together...
Michelle, I am a divorced father. Fortunately my ex and myself have put our differences behind us for the sake of our son. He comes to my house when ever he wants. Maybe the reason for your ex's lying is because you are not approachable. Its not about you Michelle, its about your kids.
As soon as you have stopped breast feeding your child. Sooner if you don't breast feed. Only 3 Hours a week? Unless he is a really abusive father (and you can prove that he is), I don't think 3 hours is nearly enough. I would have gone to ask the court if 3 hours was sufficient, I doubt a judge would agree.
Michelle as a single father I know your fears I also do not trust my ex wife with the kids and had good reason because of the harm she did and eventually the courts ordered her supervised access.
But in most cases parents hate each other and that become a problem that is not in the best interest of the children, as in my case, my ex wanted custody so badly that she was prepared to harm the children in the process, she became blind with this obsession to get custody.
In your case I do not know the complete story and from what you posted I get the feeling that you are obsessed with keeping the kids from the father, make no mistake, if my ex did not harm the kids, I would have no legal reason to expect supervised access and believe me I wanted her to see the kids and them visit her, my concern after months of play theraphy it was advised to monitor her access.
The new child act give both parents equal rights and responsibilities, meaning that unless a court order stipulate otherwise, you can not dictate to the father that he can only see his kids 3 hours a weekend, the norm is Friday evening until Sunday afternoon every second weekend or as per the parenting plan.
I suggest that you and ex see a mediator urgently, it should put all your fears to rest, the father is not bullying you, you are bullying him, if he approach the courts to get proper access then you might have a problem, I know of cases where the courts eventually granted the father custody because the mother refused him access.
Hi Michelle, You are been unreasonable unless your ex is an alcoholic, drug abuser or child molester, etc.
I also have a child with a woman such as yourself and I must say its been a nightmare for both my daughter and I. It has cost me more than 150k in legal fees to sort this out. Honestly women such as yourself and my ex do not deserve to be moms as you put your own feelings first and not the best interests of the child
A divorce will always effect the parenting skills of the parents. You have to divorce your resentment / feelings towards your ex from that of the best needs and interests of co-parenting your children. Keeping a child away from seeing his dad is not healthy.
Remember its not about YOU it is about the children.
My late partner had the same problem, his ex wife used the children as a weapon against him and allowed him only supervised visits with the children, and not all the children. It broke him and he had no relationship with his only daughter. The only way out for him was to drag his daughter thtrough the judicial system which he refused to do because he loved her too much to put her through the pain and stress. His kids were used as pawns to hurt him, unfortunately he passed away and who is going to suffer? the poor kids who were poisoned and kept from their father. You are doing more damage to your kids to get back at your ex! A womans view and yes I am divorced with children, yes their was another woman involved but i would never dream of keeping my girls from the love and protection of their father. Get over yourself put on your big girl panties and do whats right for your children.
I am a divorced father and would give anything to see my children as often as possible. Do not use your children as pawns due to any resentment towards your former partner. He obviously loves his children. Is that such a bad thing? No matter what he'd done to you, he is still their father and has the right to see them and bond with them. Don't punish him using your children because it is childish.
so you can have sex with the man and get a child but not let him see his child???!!!
CONTROLE FREAK MUCH???
I have read through the comments below, and I am sorry to say they are far too lenient on you!
I also have an ex, and she used the child to try and control me too, the tables have turned and the child is now living with me. I won't use the child as a tool to try and control the ex. The child has seen through her mother and decided that she would rather live with her father, because of all the hurt she has caused for the past 10 years!
All I can say, to allow your ex only 3 hours a week for his children makes you a heartless bitch in my book, and remember, karma is going to bite you, I just hope for the fathers sake it's sooner rather than later.
Its dead simple. He wants to spend more time with the kids. If his relationship is serious he obviously wants to integrate the kids into his family. His partner/ three kids is where he wants the kids to sleep. Denying the children a father is cruel. Stop using his children as something to hurt him with. The kids suffer most with the 3hrs a week visitation spite..
Your bitterness towards your ex is the problem. He is the father and he has the right to see them equally. They are not your property, accept this and the kids will enjoy their lives more.
Stop using them as puppets to get back at him. Move on
It's interesting how many people (men?) are just calling this woman names and telling her what a bad mother she is, etc. I do agree that she has to let her children see their dad - but instead of calling her names and a bad mother - perhaps you should be suggesting that she sees a professional to help her get over her issues. If she's asking for advice, she is still open to suggestions (not abuse) on how to deal with allowing her kids to see their dad more often.
B, Now I think YOU are a bit rough here on the dads for calling a spade a spade. The spirit of the writer is not of one who is looking for advise, but who is looking for confirmation. Sorry if she is not getting it. If the dad goes to fathers4justice for assistance in a custody case, she might find herself at the wrong end of the stick. We are not living in midieval times any more and nobody sees children as besittings anymore. And most people are aware how damaging it is for kids to grow up without good relationships with their fathers. Google it.
They are not "your " children - they are also his - and you married and reproduced with the guy now you decide you don't trust him. A bit late for that.
I am also a mother and it is in no kids best intrest to see the father only 3 hours!!
I also got divorced when my son was 3 years old. He started sleeping over immediately, Every Wednesday, Every 2nd Sunday night and every 2nd weekend from Friday to Sunday afternoon.
I also was angry at my ex. Did not like his living arrangements. Did not trust his parental abilities, BUT ----it was not about me but my son!!!
My son is now 8 and he loves both his parents!!!
Mothers like Michelle make me angry and makes all woman look like the bithces. What you are doing is wrong and any Family Advocate and Court will tel you so!!!
B, I am a woman and I am in full agreement with the men. Like I said before she should get over herself and do whats right for the child. She may think she's punishing the childs Father but ultimately at the end of the day it's the child that suffers. I have seen very recently first hand what it does to the children when my partner, who was also brokenhearted because of the restrictions to the children placed by their mother, died. His kids are devestated and it is going to take years for them to recover, if at all. I'm sure glad that I don't have to live with his ex wifes concience.
A well hidden study in the US proved that children raised by their mothers were 25% more likely to be involved in some sort of criminal activity by their 18th birthday than children raised by their father.
I see the other side of the story. My fiancé has twins & he had to battle through a dirty divorce & several court cases just to visit his children. Women must wake up & realise that the father has just as many rights as they do!! How will you feel to only see your children 3 hours a day?!?! But their money is good enough!! Stop being selfish, children needs both their parents in their lives!!! Get a life of your own & don't build it around your children. Let them be happy!!!
i have a 1 year old daughter and me and my partner are no longer together. he says hes going to take me to court to see her. hes not on the birth certificate as he left me for his ex when i was pregnant and initially had no contact with me when the baby was born...i have tried to work things out but its not working. i have told him he can come spend time with her at my place whenever he likes as i can supervise this. he lives with his alcholoic father and he smokes drugs although he said he would quite while we were in court. the house he lives in has mager leaks and just isnt suitible for a baby to be in. yet his sons mother allows him acess at his place would this go agaisnt me? like i said he can see her at my house as i cant let her go 2 hours to his house the way the situation is. please help
hi Michelle, my mother had the very same problem with letting my littlesister stay over at her dads place. She was only 2, but fortunately my brother was about 11 and always went along of course. I think the best you can do is have a open relationship with your children and teach them that if there is ever a problem or a feeling of discomfort they should feel free to talk to you about it. I know from watching my mom go through this that it is very hard, but your children deserve to have the love of both there parents. However your gut instincts are also important too. hope this helps
Why dont you trust your ex to come and take your children with him? Is he an alleged pedophile or you simply dont want his new girlfriend to take part in their life. You better start changing your tactics before he goes to court and starts a legal battle over reasonable access to his own kids which he has all the rights to do.