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Parent24 : Experts : Anne Cawood : 3.Answered : Step Children

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Anne Cawood

Anne is an experienced registered social worker, involved in developing and presenting workshops on a host of parenting topics. Read More...

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Question

Posted by: George on 13 October 2009

I'm starting a relationship with a woman with 4 children (ages 9-2) from her previous marriage. Not having any children from my previous marriage, parenting is not something natural for me. How do I approach her kids the 1st time and make them feel comfortable and not resentful towards me?

Answer

This is a very difficult situation. Your partner and her children will no doubt have developed close bonds, and the children may resent your intrusion in their lives. My advice in such situations is to proceed slowly. Do not force the relationships. But do find ways to connect to them. Show an interest in what they like doing. Be aware that they may feel pressured - and don't take any resistance or criticism too personally. Communicate any feelings and make time to sit and talk together. Do not expect things to move too quickly - remember that relationships take time to develop - and that they need clear and open communication.

Do seek counselling if things appear to run into problems. People go to doctors for physical problems, but seldom find it necessary to seek help when their relationships run into difficulties! A sad situation.

My book "Children Need Boundaries" has a section on step families -with some tips on the dos and don'ts!

Very good luck to you - you are very brave!!