Posted by: sandy whittaker on 21 September 2011
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Spare the rod and spoil the child...
Be a Parent and say NO occasionally
Really Greg, this is your response? You're an Educational psychologist and this is all you have to say about this child obviously acting out? No advise to the parents how to deal with a rebellious teenager of 16? Pathetic boet.
Send him to boarding school
I have just taken my son OUT of boarding for the same reason. I just feel that more direct supervision is required with strict rules and monitoring. Things have changed and he has one night a week (Fri or Sat) where he can go out and that is not Friday if he has sport on a Sat. He has to partake in sport each and every term. Any failure to hand in assignments or project results in a one term grounding. Study times are from 5-7 when his mother is at home. He also has to attend at least two extra lessons per week no matter how well he is doing. He may also not repeat subjects in extra lessons unless agreed before hand. Weekends away with the family and family outings to shows etc are conditional based on pre set goals.
In a matter of two terms his marks have increased by over 20% on average.
His social life is focused on visiting the girlfriend rather than hanging with his mates seeing he only gets the one night out.
thats great advice 'therapist', and most probably a good thing he doesnt know that his parent organised to have him arrested when he gets sodomised in the holding cell...
This parent must watch "The world`s strictest parents" on Tv. It is unfair to send problem children to boarding schools. B S are not rehabilitation centres where resident teachers have tor cope with your problems. Strict house rules are a good idea, but should be there from the start and be consequent in applying them. Beating and hitting and shouting have never been good options when situations have turned out of hand. All those people always harping on "Spare the rod and save the child" must know that the rod in the Bible does not mean a beating object. A rod was used to guide sheep in case of straying from the group. beating dispays lost of control. A set of house rules set by the the parent and to be obeyed by every member of the family, including the parents, will help in the long run. Remeber: "do what I do do" and not only "do as I say" must be a golden rule. You can never have the attitude of "At least I am big now so I can at least do as I please and then expect your children to be the ones to obey .
Wipe his ass ! hell i tried that as teen and my mama gave me the beating of my life, i mean it was so fast and hard i never even saw it coming and to this day; I don't drink,smoke or bunk school. Oh yes once you give him a solid hidding he'll never stray out of line ever again.
Send him to boarding school... it is a know fact that the best sportsman come from boarding schools but know this.... I started smoking dagga and drinking in boarding school at a top JHB school called KES.... Boarding school has the same stuff going on.... it all comes down to who your kid associates himself with... so best send him to alaska or some place quiet....
If you think boarding school will sort out this problem you are on the wrong track. There are more influences and peer pressure in a boarding school than you would permit at home. My son is in boarding school, and he learnt all the bad habits you say your son has was at school. At least you can see your son daily and monitor exactly what his moves are. It takes lots of hard work, but I would suggest keeping him on a short leash at home - rather than have free rein at school.
Perhaps you should think about sending him to a trade school and learn something that will help him be a useful - like a plumber or electrician.
Don't fear, this age is the worse - they do get better, my first son was the same and now 10 later he is a wonderful person, a great father and the "perfect" son.
I was similar in my teen years, minus the smoking dube. I used to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol. I suggest trying to stress to him the importance of balance in his life. Let him go out with his friends and have a drink on the weekend. But make a deal with him that along with the freedom to enjoy himself on the weekend, he will need to concentrate on his studies during the week. Explain to him "WHY" his studies are important in life. Not many teens realize the responsibilities they are about to face upon completion of high school. I surely never. You dont need to send him away to a buzz cutt military school to get results, just figure out how to motivate him to do it for himself. Many teens feel that studies are for their parents pride and feeling of success, they arent inspired enough to realize that what they do now, is for "their" own good!
PS, if his friends are influencing him to smoke Dube, then dont ban him from seeing them. Try and substitute the time spent with them with an extra curricular activity, or with new friends that have sober(well relatively) habits. I can attest to the fact that marijuana is a gateway drug, and if he continues hanging around with the people that smoke it, he will eventually come into contact with other substances.
Rebellion will follow if you tighten the reigns too much. Try bring about change in a positive, motivating way. Dont restrict him totally or he will only become worse.
I hope this helps.
PS - A good PAKSLAE does not hurt from time to time!!!
This is all your fault. And now that he is already 16 years old, you have destroyed him for life. You will need to get him to WANT to change. I honestly don't feel sorry for you. You are 100% to blame as this is just bad parenting that will turn a child into what you currently have now. Your boy was clearly neglected and you didn't raise him with the right values. You should have woken up sooner!!
@Chris, I also thought Greg the therapy's response was pretty pathetic too! Most of the other responses hit the nail on the head too. why is there no thumbs-up and thumbs-down buttons on these comments???
And oh, klaap that boy! Don't ever forget that your child might actually be the one corrupting other children - deal with HIM, taking him away from a perceived 'situation' would just be changing the venue for him... It's just common sense to me, I don't have kids yet
My son is 7 and I am reading this with interest. Die kenner se advies is nie te hot nie en RC, wie is jy om te oordeel jou ou koei?
I think at this point in a teens life a parent has no credibility, warnings fall on deaf ears. It sounds harsh but the best thing that can happen is he fail grade 11 and repeat. Natural consequences have the best chance to teach and give perspective. And the added benefit of teaching responsibility. The risk about taking other action is that a teen has a skewed perspective and tend to blame.
I suggest you try Boystown. they did an excellent job with my son. he was also moving with the wrong crowd and losing interest in school. since he has been at boystown he has excelled at school as well as in his sports.
Give him 2 options -> shape up and sort yourself out or get out of the house! (even if just a bluff). Give him 2 weeks to get his act together! He is old enough to decide for himself and the thought of not having a roof over his head and parents not supplying to his needs anymore might prompt him to take a reality check!!
This is not really such a big deal, its all part of growing up. Simply try and get him spend some time with you mommy, after all he is young and will want to experience life to the fullest. Friends can influence each other and dont forget to consider that peer pressure also forms part of him growing up. So look for ways in which it will make your life happier as well as his.
I am with RC on this one
15-18 ARE THE WORST YEARS, kids know everything, bad friends, drinking, dagga and can go on. My son started his crap at 14, bunking, stealing, dagga, just off the rails, failed grade 9 and i nearly beat him however just stuck it out and tried to get him on the right track without him running away. 16 HE CAME TO ME AND SAID HE HAD A DRUG PROBLEM,,I ALWAYS KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING GOING ON,,next day he was in a rehab and a year later i let him out. This place was not nice and only saw him once, spoke 10 minutes per week. Came out after the year and he was the same for about a month and then just clicked out of it all. I did change schools when he was 15, this did not make any difference,,bad friends are always around. Anyway my son was head boy in his school for grade 12,,,passed with an ok result and is really a good kid today at 20 years old. It seems he just had to go through this rebelious period and came out just fine. I dont wish drugs on any persons kids,,it is not a nice thing to go through and very difficult to handle a kid going through this
By now , Greg you know how selective people are in providing info.As a psychologist you are setting yourself up for a high jump here.You have advised in a balanced way about medz for a 7 year old and then you blew it with what is clearly a systemic and boundary issue with many possible angles.Rather you than me......
Whoever your son trusts or takes seriously - take them to chat with them eg. a schools friends parents who are sooo totally awesome - or a headmaster - let him know his options be firm and let him know youre his father, there are never children who turn out well without them saying " My dad pushed me hard ... " be a parent not a friend