You dont say WHY daddy left 19 years (or more) ago. This is more an indication of what "rights" he has than any thing else. Why is he "deadbeat"? Obviously you look down on him, and i wonder if you got this from your mother, which will explain why he left in the first place. You give a very limited picture here, and i have to make assumptions...

Use 2 words. 2'nd one is "off"

...."I feel I owe him nothing as he never spent a single cent on me." Honestly if that is your attitude then i am surprised that he wants to see you let alone visit with you!! Cos he didnt spend money on you?? Good GRIEF!! Coming from a similar situation, please remember that there are always things that kids are not aware of. Things that perhaps have been hidden from you. Try chatting to your dad like the grown you are claiming to be. You may very well be surprised by what you find out.......

Lighten up, talk to him on two or three occasions, ask him what went wrong, why he took so long and why he wants to start a relationship. Maybe your perceptions of him are incorrect, and were placed there by someone with reason to hate him...

i can understand, i have not had a relationship with my biological father, but find myself in a similar situation, i'm 32 and have recently been contacted by my "father". I'm polite, visited his family so they can meet my 1 year old, but honestly i don't see us having a full on relationship, he did abandon me, he too did not help my mum financially or emotionally, my mum never ever bad mouthed him! So if you don't want much contact then he should respect that, but it is hard to be that blunt to anyone, i'm still trying to figure out how to tell my "father"... any ideas

I wonder who told you "he never gave a cent". Probably your mother. Open your eyes and ears and listen to this "deadbeat" dad's side also. Too many mothers tell kids everything but the truth. Mother's rather keep quiet if you have nothing good to say about your ex.

Dear Bright There are many reasons why some parents walk away from their children, I am not about to stand here and defend lame parents that just could not be bothered. However in our line of work that we do for Fathers 4 Justice, in many, many instances fathers are destroyed by a legal and psychological system that sets out to abuse children and destroy their relationship with one or both parents. In the vast majority approximately 78% of the time fathers are unilaterally denied right of contact with their children. We do not know all the facts and the reasons as to why your father did not participate in your life, and we are not about to insult your intelligence by jumping to conclusions. However 1. Did your dad just walk away? We have case numbers and court hearings were fathers have fought for years at great expense to see their children only to be systematically denied there rights by the mothers and the courts. Eventually these men are so abused by the system and are literally left bankrupt for years – that they are plainly forced to walk away from their children. a. We have a case that the mother so poisoned the two sons through MALICIOUS DIVORCED MOTHER SYNDROME and PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME, and HABITUALLY AGGRESSIVE PARENTING that when the father tried to make contact with them once they reached adult hood the eldest son had his father arrested. A year later he still refuses to talk to his father. 2. Did he really not pay maintenance? We have fathers that have years of bank slips and till slips were they paid maintenance and bought birthday presents and cloths and send Easter cards – we have documented proof that many mothers have deliberately lied to the children, telling the children that their father has rejected the child and want they want nothing to do with them. a. We had a case recently that when the children eventually confronted the mother and forced her into a corner to give an honest answer she went to her cupboard and brought out 12 years of birthday, Christmas, Easter cards and letters. In all the cards the father expressed his heartfelt whish and desire to participate in their lives. As we said we do not know or have all the facts – However in everything in life there are 3 sides to a story his side, her side and the truth. If you have not already done this, we would strongly recommend that you have a deep honest open talk with both of your parents. If at the end of the day your dad was the dead beat that you say he is then be very clear about your boundaries and when he may visit you. Please note that MALICIOUS DIVORCED MOTHER SYNDROME and PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME, and HABITUALLY AGGRESSIVE PARENTING are recognised psychological child abuse syndromes we advocate that you read up about them before you pass judgment over your father. We appreciate that this is a trying time for you, at the end of the day you have to come to terms and peace with the decision that you make. Please we implore you just to make an informed one. There are millions of fathers out there just waiting and praying for that one phone call or that invite for one cup of coffee just to explain their side of the story. Please at least give your father this chance. Find out the real truth. All the very best Contact Fathers 4 Justice on www.f4j.co.za for additional help and support.

Coming from a similar situation , I can understand what is meant by not spending a cent. He obviously never had the decency to pay maintenance. And even if the mother did feel he was a dead beat there is no excuse under the sun for any parent to walk out on a child, because that does make him a dead beat. So the assumption I am lead to when it comes to someone like you Leon, is that you are just trying to justify something...

pathetic attitude , the tone of your message says alot about the type of person you are. Blood ties should always be maintained and the least you can do is be civil

I am a "Deadbeat Dad" in my eldest sons eye's. despite the fact that I am a loving husband and father to two other wonderful children, As Gary post below My son and my relationship has being poisoned , PAS etc etc I pay on regardless and hope that he does not have your take when he gets to adulthood. Hang in there and make your own assessment. It is painful and my wishes of the strength to deal with it go out to you, ( Some tears to !!)

Natalie im saying we have only one side of the story, and inexplicably a very important aspect of it is not discussed, which is not fair to the deadbeat dad. If he walked out without valid reason, ok, f^&k him, but id like to make up my own mind about that with the relevant facts, which is still outstanding. You taking me on and defending a one sided story, indicates you are trying to justify something.....

Despite years of trying to encourage my daughter's father to be involved her life, never having asked for maintenace from her father or received it, her father emigrated from South Africa without even a forwarding address. I am left with a confused daughter who feels rejected. Her pain is present every moment of every day. Therapy has not helped. Some men are just useless fathers, just like Bright's father. I'd say she should probably tell him to pick a door and use it. You don't need this useless waste of skin in your life. People don't change quite as dramatically to assume that a dead-beat dad will transition into a loving, compassionate father desperate to make up for this deficiencies. Once dead-beat, always dead beat. Bright's life will not be any richer as a result of an awkward relationship with her sperm donor. It'll just complicate her life. Tell him to get lost and stay lost.

@Yousuf - "blood ties should always be maintained" - why? Just because you are born into a family and/or share a genetic makeup does not place an obligation on you to maintain those relationships. Relationships are often more complex than that simple rule dictates. The fact that there was an adoption by his new dad is a clue - that couldn't happen without the natural father's consent or the courts removing his rights. Bright - you have an obligation to yourself, and the family you create. You set the rules for your relationship with your biological father, just be sure that you know what you want out of that relationship. I did that with my biological father, and even though he would have liked more contact, I made it clear that it was on my terms, and that I also took no responsibility for his welfare, financial or emotional. He got a better deal than he deserved, and was thankful for that, and I was able to get what I needed out of it too.

"because I feel I owe him nothing as he never spent a single cent on me" Assuming all you say is correct, did you know that the South African law (duty of a child to support a parent) allows him to claim maintenance from you if he is unable to support himself? Doesn't quite seem fair.

My grandson may very well be in this young man's situation in a few years time. He is 6 and his father first refused to accept that my daughter was expecting his son - paternity tests proved otherwise. He once or twice gave a bit of money up to the age of 2. Saw his son when it suited him but when my daughter met and later married her now husband, the father tried his best to make life hell. To make a long story short - lots of (expensive) legal battles, they now stay overseas and the father agreed to this if they won't request anything from him - sold out his own son - never has attempted to make any contact ever. I know for a fact that the biological father is NEVER bad-mouthed because if you do that you are indirectly doing it to his son. Thank God for a good step-dad who has fully taken the role on of a good daddy. I wonder what will happen in 15 odd years time - will father then also want to so badly be part of his son's life? Men who just make babies and don't take responsibility for them really need to just stay away...

I find that i have a similar situation unfolding right in front of my eyes. You see i almost feel like i am the adoptive dad you are referring to. Let me tell you one thing girl, there is just no simplified way of going about this than to hurt one party in some way but your adoptive dad feels like you are his child since he took care of you since i don't know when. He had to make sacrifices just so you could grow up to be the reasonable sensible person that you are. You are going to have to be very sensitive to his feelings. What was your biological dad doing all this time when he could have visited when you were still young and expressed his concern for your well being? He simply ran way from his resposibilities of raising you when you still needed greatest care and now you are all grown and he feels he needs to show you he cares. If it were not for your adoptive dad to have instilled the sense of moral right in you, which daughter would he be coming to visit now? Remeber it is because of your AD that you find that you are balanced in your life. You could have become something else with no appeal to your BD. I am an adoptive dad to a girl your age and i live with this constant fear that some day her BD is going to show up and demand ownership of the kid that i brought up through hardship and sacrifice. This kind of deadbeat dads do not impress me very much as they are an irresposible lot that do not deserve to be making babies with anyone. They upset so many family settings everytime by just popping out from wherever life did not treat them right. I am no angel but i participate in all my children's lives. I have not married every girl i ever made pregnant but i am making a great effort in maintaining contacts with all my children since they were born. I have not waited until they were older before coming forward only to claim to be their father. I could never understand what keeps a dad from being a part of his children's lives. Maybe i am just lucky but all the women i had kids with allow me to actively participate in my kid's lives and i would not have it any other way. You must understand that if you maintain contact as the biological dad, it means that even at the time when the new adoptive dad comes into your child's live, he will know about you and so many complications will be sorted out right from the onset. But yours had to wait up until you've settled into some kind of family life before he came to upset it. Give women some credit 'cos not all of them would deny the biological dad access to his children unless you did something so horrible that she never really wants anyting to do with you anymore. Men who rears up their heads like this often have some febble excuses as to why they could not be in their child's life. Or maybe he sees that the time for LOBOLA is not that far off and you seem worthy of it that he thinks he should be closer to you when someone comes to ask your hand in marriage. Dubious comes to mind. @DEADBEAT DADS: IF YOU NEVER ACTIVELY PARTICIPATED IN YOUR CHILD'S LIFE WHEN THEY WERE STILL YOUNG AND NEEDY, DO NOT BOTHER ONCE THEY BECOME YOUNG ADULT AND SEMI INDEPENDENT BECAUSE YOUR MOTIVES ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE QUESTIONABLE IF THERE IS AN ADOPTIVE DAD IN THE PICTURE. THE ADOPTIVE DAD TOOK THIS CHILD AND ITS MOM WITH ALL THE DIFFICUTIES YOU RAN AWAY FROM AND MADE IT A FAMILY,RESPECT THAT. IF YOU SO BADLY WANT TO BE A PART OF HER LIFE,START BY PAYING ME ALL THE FINACIAL EXPENSES OF RAISING YOUR CHILD FROM WHEN I STARTED TAKING CARE OF IT.

I have a child with my past girl friend and before she could get married,i asked her not to change my child's surname to his fiance,however,she did the opposite and changed my child's surname (i.e my past girl friend's maiden surname) after she got married to his husband,though i was providing for the child partially so she ignored that,years later she divorced with his husband and started to draw me in court actions for maintainance and i am currently paying maintainace and the chil is still using his step-fathers' surname.Need to know if its allowed for me to keep on paying maintainance for the child that is using his step-father's surname and is it not that the step father when he married his mother was suppose to take all the responsibilities ,especially that he made my child to adopt his surname,currently i am married with 4 children,but she still need more for maintainance even though i am earning less than R9000. aSK FOR ADVISE

I would also have a chat with him during that once in a year visits and ask him what was his absence all about. Could be that your mother kept him from seeing you. Females can be strange.. Especially when another male gets into the picture.

And if some young females were not such sluts, they would not have to raise their young without a father in the first place. First, let him commit to you before you try to trap him by falling pregnant. I am a female, and sometimes female behaviour repulses me. I do not have ONE girlfriend in my youth who fell pregnant by "accicent". When it does not work and the guy still is not interested, they take their bitterness out on the child that is then born. The kid will hate the "bastard" as much as she does. I have seen this... OOOHHH have I seen this happen. Not once.. not twice... And when her family gets mad... oeee boy... then we hate him good. Its always the guy's fauld that she fell pregnant. Tell me, who should be swallowing the pill?

I have baby girl she two months old now and question is, How can i rebuilt my relationship with the father of my daughter? The reason i'm saying this is beacause he was not aroud during my pregnancy.And now he want to provide for his daughter.I need your advice.please help