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Megan de Beyer

Megan de Beyer has a Masters degree in Psychology. She practised in both Cape Town and Durban and has run many successful parenting workshops at high schools. Read More...

Question

Posted by: Erica on 11 February 2010

My daugter is 18 has a boyfriend at school, is going to university next year. How do I know when to allow her to go out and when not? She explained to me that boyfriends only meet the parents after a month or so when they feel the relationship will make it, is this the norm with teens?

Answer

There are no hard and fast rules about socializing. The freedom you give or the limits you set are dependent on the personality and maturity of your Teen as well as on your relationship with her. I have found that parents with an open, honest and warm relationship spend time talking to their daughter about where she goes and what she does. By the time a teen is 18 years old these parents offer guidance as opposed to rules since the relationship is based on mutual respect and trust.

Your relationship with her
There is no doubt that Teenagers need boundaries and that parents need to be interested in where their teen is and who she is hanging out with. Yet to me the most important aspect is the type of relationship you have with your daughter. Do you really talk to each other beyond the practicalities of the day? Do you know what makes her laugh and cry? Do you know her dreams and goals? A Teenager who knows that she is an important and a vital member of a family seems to respect themselves and their choices more.

Her personality
How have you experienced your daughter over the years? Even though teenagers are different to how they were as children, their temperament doesn’t change that much. Is your daughter extroverted and experimental or is she cautious and more introverted? Does she tend to be a leader or a group member? Is she a spectator or a participant? Does she have a clear idea of what she wants to achieve in life or does she lack direction. Does she have high self-esteem or is she unsure of herself? Answers to these questions will help you ascertain how she will be away from home and when she is socializing. In this way you can have an idea if she is capable of being responsible and sensible when she is away from home.

Morals and values
At 18 years old a Teenager has been coached in specific morals and values as a result of her upbringing and her school. She should know right from wrong and have a clear idea of what you expect of her. From now on she needs to experience more independence and begin to make decisions for herself. Speak to her directly about what you are scared of when she is away from home and ask her about what she thinks is permissible or not. At this age she should be going out and enjoying her friendships, meeting and dating boys. Soon she will be making many independent choices and she should be practicing that now while she is still at home. Teenagers do not tell their parents everything and it is normal that she doesn’t bring a boy home to meet the parents too soon.

Her friends
The group of friends she mixes with will have a big influence on her social world. Get to know them and get to know what they like doing together. It is best for teenagers to go out in groups as they tend to look out for each other. If you are happy about her friendships than I do not think you have much to worry about. Remember that there is such a thing as a generation gap and girls these days do things differently to past generations but basic values of respect, consideration, care, acceptance are still the same.

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Not a chance

2010/02/12 08:30 AM

When my daughters are at an age that they start dating there is no way that I'll be waiting a month before seeing the "let's-see-if-it-works-out" boyfriend. I'll be doing the whole old school shotgun over the fireplace routine to let the boyfriend know that he'd better tread carefully with my daughters.

GoerGe

2010/02/12 11:16 AM

We as a family and as parents have tried to shower our children with love. Teach them the rights and wrongs, the vel and the good, etc. BUT most of all they need to know that you are their BEST friend and can confide in anything in the world. That way they will bring a new acquantance around and not wait a month or so to see if the relationship will work out. They need to have your first impression input about the person they intend dating. And obvioulsy listen to your opinion and discuss it as well. My opinion and our experience as parents.

Arno

2010/02/12 11:52 AM

Scan through the latest SA sex survey: http://www.health24.com/surveys/sexsurvey2010/index.html Then you go rest easy.

Vrye Denker

2010/02/12 11:53 AM

There are no rules when it comes to meeting the boyfriend. It is your privilege as a parent to make them yourself. If your daughter is one of those teens that make the really bad decisions, then it is probably a good idea to meet the guy as soon as possible and put the fear of God into him from the start.

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