Posted by: Linda (South Africa) on 20 December 2010
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i have problem my son he is 24 years old but he drinking like a horse
It's time you took responsibility for your child. You have not provided even the basics of what is needed to get to the bottom of what is troubling your son.
Children don't just suddenly develop personality problems. You just didn't see the signs. Teenagers can be rude, defiant and self obsessed because that is how they test their boundaries.
Your son needs to have clear boundaries set for him. Cause and effect, action - reaction. Start with the basics of respect for himself and his family. Get the school involved as well. They can report back to you on how he is doing.
Sit him down and explain what is expected and the consequences of not behaving appropriately. Rudeness will result in a warning and then no cellphone, TV privledges, pocket money etc. Do it with love and kindness. Explain to him that you love him but you will not accept his behaviour. Reward him for acceptable behaviour.
Make sure that your whole family is involved. If you allow this to continue you are not doing your job as a parent. You didn't instil the right behaviour into him as a young child so your job is going to be that much harder now.
I totally disagree with sending him off to an institution for troubled teens. What a cop out! He needs you, not some stranger to help him solve his problems.
And where is his father in all of this?
The friends that he hangs out with could also contribute. I have seen many of my "good" school friends being dragged down by delinquent friends that keep on exercising peer pressure on them to do stuff that they know they shouldn't.
My son 18, has been kicked out of 3 schools and drug re-hab twice continues with this bad behaviour. It is with regret that I have choosen to ignore him totally, do not take calls or respond to sms's and now he is crying out for attention from me but it is to late. he needs at least a year of a positive track record before I have any involvement again.
Send him to Boys Town. Once they go so far on the road there is no way to bring them back. It is sad, but needs to be done before he harms anybody!
Have you tried beating him? It works.
patricia there is nothing wrong with a 24 year old who drinks, its part of life. I'd be more worried if he didn't. Like my dad always says, "Never trust a man who doesn't drink and doesn't swear."
PLEASE PEOPLE, you are getting hammered left, right and centre internationally because people can't hear. The vuvuzelas are robbing the WORLD of watchable games and if not banned will really demage peoples opinion long after the last game is played. It is not too late to BAN THE VUVUZELA!!
Very good article - well answered. The corner stone is family respect, and it is sometimes very relevant to also exam your own family relationship, i.e. marriage as this will reflect either a positively or negatively in your kids.
Please keep this kid away from psychiatrists or psychologists. He has the wrong friends, listens to destructive music, etc etc. He must take an interest in something wholesome, which will be very difficult to achieve. Take him horse riding on a regular basis.
Boarding school did it for me, and I wasn't a weekly boarder either. Only went home for exeat weekends and holidays. Looking back now, I can see how it worked. Took a while but I ended up appreciating outdoor activities & sports, learned one has to work hard to be successful, made decent friends and became far more balanced and "switched on". Good luck.
It's called giving him one hiding of note! It's that simple. Let his ass burn and you'll see how he starts respecting others and behaving himself. Parents who do not believe in 'spanking' their kids are responsible for them going out of control. Give him a good hiding, let him be pissed at you for a day or two and he will come right. Tell your husband to be the man in the house and discipline his son. You obviously explain why you are doing it and that you are doing it because you love him, don't just do it and let him wonder why... A good hiding goes a long way to saving a child's life - I know. I went off the rail at his age too and got a beating of note from my dad, and it actually woke me up. By beating I mean hiding, not physical abuse. I was told to respect others, I was told to behave myself. And yes, was pissed off with him for a while, but when it all settles down you start seeing that you're messing up. You need to talk to him though about it - that's crucial!
It might just be a good idea to have him drug tested - the sudden change in behaviour could be drug related. If this change has only occured now that he is in High School, it is possibly that he has mixed with the crowd and possibly influenced into drugs. It's a long shot, but i would test for this first before i start sending my kids to theropy
First of all take away all that he enjoys, if he wants it back he has to earn it. He does not NEED a cell phone, you can come to an arrangement with the school that he has to stay at school in after school centre till you can fetch him. Treat him like a child untill he shows more responsibility, you have to show him that you are the boss, do not be outsmarted by a child.
This problem all starts with the parents. All children need love & it sounds like your child is longing for some. Some serious changes are needed at home.
help him achieve something - give him responsability. He is trying to understand how he is of value.
In my day, I got a klap and by 16 had my call ups... the idea of 2 years in the army was incentive to behave...
He needs a B!tch Slap for starters. Then he needs to change his friends (drugs might be involved with grades sliding and the agressiveness) as Craig says, we were called up to the M.A.G.!! got a klap from the old man if we were out of line and should we be disrespecful, that klap turned into a hiding of note that I never forgot!!!!!
Last week there was an article on news 24 about mothers not feeling guilty about working and leaving their kids with the nanny. Now you wanna know whey the boy is so aggressive in his teenage years. Comeee on .. please.. people.. cant you see the link?
The parent points to the start of high school as the defining factor, and yet we have people looking for excuses such as hormones, chemical imbalances, etc? The only chemical imbalances we have in this case are those chemicals ingested by this little thug - high school is when little boys start thinking they can prove their 'manhood' by drinking alcohol, smoking tobacco and other addictive drugs, and even using other recreational-type (or even serious!) drugs. This little miscreant needs a blood test to determine what drugs he is using, as well as a bloody good hiding and a program of ongoing strict discipline. This touchy-feely fluffy-bunny "it's nobody's fault - get help" attitude is going to leave you eventually with a dead teenager - if you're lucky. Lucky because a drug-addicted teenager is truly suffering a 'fate worse than death'... John has it right - all actions must have consequences, and there is no time like the present. Being politically-correct (no spanking, etc.) is not doing your child any good, is it? Seeking advice from people paid by the hour to dispense advice (and whose best interests are therefore served by NEVER providing a definitive solution - such as psychologists and psychiatrists) isn't going to help fix the child either. The only thing that works is good, old-fashioned discipline and a strict upbringing. Anything less just isn't going to work. "The Answer" isn't lying when s/he says they benefited from a hiding - the editor of parent24 posed the question "Do you have an example of a school where non-corporal discipline methods are working?" (see: http://www.parent24.com/School_7-12/health_safety/Stop-illegal-caning-20100303) - and not ONE person has been able to provide an example thereof. 'Nuff said...
A good hiding will serve him just fine, as long as he keeps on misbehaving, keep on hiting him don't tire up, Simple & klaar.
I'm a 25 year old girl, when I was this age I was a nightmare - please take it from someone my age, this behaviour does not neccessarily mean that you child is using drugs or has a chemical imbalance!
I wasn't affected by drugs or a chemical imbalance, I was just an angry rebellious teenager trying to prove a point and, as mentioned below, permanently trying to test boundaries!
And a hiding is the LAST thing you want to do!! Just think how much more resentful your child will be towards you! Also, the people suggesting things like Boys Town must be questioned- at least untill all other possible measures are tried!!
Personally I would recommend something that would give your child a sense of reward and responsibility as the best route to go; an activity or job that makes him feel valued. I also agree with John in rewarding him for positive behaviour and changes - positive reinforcement worked for me.
As did the fact that my parents (God bless them) never once let me doubt that they still loved me. Use it, dont use it... it worked for me, my parents and I now have a relationship I could never have imagined back then and I count myself truly blessed for.
It sounds like he needs the rod - just don't be shy.
Kids need boundries.
I agree with John (6/14/2010 8:51am). FULL Parental involvement is the only answer. My 13year old is allowed to MIXIT as long as I can spot check. If he as much as tries to hide anything I am on him like white on rice. Then the phone goes and he gets one that does not MIXIT or sms only receives and makes calls with enough emergency money on it. Good luck!
Whoa. The comments here are worrying. "Little thug", "keep on hiting (sic) him". I do not see that attitude working. Don’t panic! Your son sounds like a relatively normal teen – in fact he sounds exactly like I did at his age! I am a psychology honours student, happily married with a small child of my own, a good job, good relationships with my parents and relatives, I do volunteering, have never been in any trouble with the law, and am an all-round upstanding citizen. And at age 15 I was exactly like your son! I didn't get into physical fights but I was an angry teenager, got into lots of trouble for my "attitude", purple hair, loud music, smoking, bunking school...My problem had a few aspects – I was very bored and unstimulated by the school system, very politically and environmentally aware, and I was also suffering from depression at the time, all things that landed me in trouble. A dedicated attempt from my parents to understand me without judgement, while not allowing unacceptable behaviour; a few good chats with a very good psychologist; and channelling my energy into getting involved with community projects and extramural studies all helped a lot. Megan de Beer as well as some other commentors has given good advice. Talk to your son. Ask him if there’s anything that bothers him. He may be belligerent and rude at first but believe me he does want you to be interested, even if he pretends not to. And remain calm, don't let him make you angry. Show him that you love him, e.g. by asking about his day and trying to figure out what interests him. Be an example of the kind of behaviour you want to see in him. And please don’t take this the wrong way – if you and your husband are fighting, try to work on that. Conflict between parents ca be very difficult for teenagers to deal with. Your son needs to define himself as a person and that means testing the boundaries, and examining the values you have taught him to see whether they fit with his own. With a lot of love and help and patience he will end up keeping good values while still becoming his own person. And do consider talking to Famsa or the like. Sometimes a family can use a professional, impartial person to help break down the barriers to good communication, and can then move on to sorting stuff out on their own. Good luck! A good relationship with your son will be worth all the effort.
Where in South Africa are there institutions that can really help 15 year old boys who are still in grade seven and is extremely unrully? My patients as a mother is really wearing thin as I cannot continue like this, Ive tried all avenues and Im on the verge of killing him.... Please dont judge me but I really cant do this anymore... I need help!!!!
I have a teenager that is not going to school and i would like to know if you know of any affordable boarding schools in durban,that deals with these types of kids and are will be willing to take him as I cannot seem to find any schools.. should have any information for me please can you email them to me thanking you in advance
Well from being an addict an now being a mom myself. You can say whatever you want to them till your blue in the face until he decides I'm done an he wants to stop your wasting all you time an energy. It's up to him if he wants to change, but don't stop loving & when he decides he does want to change then you be there for him no to judge or tell him of all his mistakes, you be there to love him, to yell at whatever mood that day you just be there.