Doing IVF for the first time, we believed it would succeed.
Early on the morning of day 5 I once again lay on the doc’s table and he inserted 3 fertilized eggs. I had to lie on the table for another ½ hour or so, then hubby took me home.
I took time off work so that I could lie still for 10 days, as the doc suggested, before the first blood test. I felt an obligation to do everything by the book, 'cause in my mind if I did, it would work. I was already drinking my folic acid and extra vits as well.
The tenth morning I awoke at dawn and rushed to the 24-hour lab and had the bloods drawn. I went home convinced that soon I would be phoning family and friends telling them the good news.
An excruciating 2 hours later the doctor phoned. At first I thought I did not hear properly, ‘Sorry my dear it didn’t take this time.’ I sat crying the rest of the day. No words can describe the utter feeling of loss and despair hubby and I felt, and I labeled myself a failure.
Eight weeks after our first failed attempt, we decided to try again. In between arranging my mom-in-law’s funeral, we had the remaining eggs returned to my uterus. In my heart I did not have much hope, there had been just too much stress and heartache.
When the negative results of the blood test were telephoned through by our doctor I was not surprised but it was still very painful.
Early the following year we went for our third IVF. The eggs were of extremely good quality this time, and they placed them back into my uterus on the fifth day. I only had to keep still for eight days. Once again I got up very early and pickled off to the pathologists for the blood tests.
It was to be a joyous morning.
It had taken, but the doctor warned me that the count was not as high as he had hoped. This did not curb our enthusiasm and soon everybody knew we were expecting. I started planning the baby’s room, even though my husband and mother said to take it easy.
Two days later I started to bleed, I rushed straight to the doctor who told me the only thing I could do now was to get into bed and pray. I miscarried a couple of days later. Not only did I feel like a complete and utter failure again, but my heart was so broken, it felt as though I would never become whole again. I would cry every time I went to shower. I cried when I thought hubby was asleep. I cried all the way to work. I broke inside every time I saw a pregnant woman or a new mommy and daddy.
Hubby and I had our arguments, but we also formed a bond that few men could ever sever going through this. Our faith kept us going as did our love for one another.
By the time we got to our fifth IVF two years down the line it was just before Christmas 2005. I received a most wonderful phone call on the tenth morning: it had taken, we were ecstatic. This time though we phoned only my mom who was always kept in the loop, I took it easy and did not allow myself to get too excited.
Then we received bad news: my husband’s family had been robbed the previous night, so my hubby had to fly over to take more money and make sure they were okay. This happened the day before my second blood test and the day before Christmas.
I was lying relaxing in the bath when the phone rang. For just a second I froze in fear, then I scolded myself for being so negative and turned to answer.
It was not good news...
The test had shown that the HCG hormone levels had not increased at all - I was miscarrying again. I was beyond consoling at this point, I was alone, it was Christmas, my hubby was 2 000km away and I had lost my baby again! I dragged myself out of the bath and lay there on the bathroom floor sobbing. I cried until my throat started contracting in pain.
Then an anger I have never before or since experienced consumed me, I got up and in my towel ran to the lounge. I tore down our beautiful Christmas tree, smashed all the decorations, threw all the presents in the bin. I cursed life, my absent husband and God. I threw out anything that resembled or looked like baby stuff or pregnancy.
Hubby and I eventually came around and finally decided on one more try, the last. If it didn’t take we were prepared never to become parents and would direct our passions and goals in another direction.Our IVF journey 1: Egg harvest Our IVF journey 3: It’s triplets! Our IVF journey 4: Carrying triplets