Conspiracy theory parenting
Conspiracy theory parenting
Parent24 Editor, Scott Dunlop
Ever wonder if we just perceive our kids in a certain way because that’s how they want us to view them? They’re supposed to be experts at innocence, but what if we’re just the victims of their feigned “who, me?” attitudes? If they aren’t responsible for certain things happening, then who is?

Who farted?

Look, this is a game most families play. Probably more than Monopoly or Scrabble. One tooted noise or suspicious smell, and the accusations fly. You know it wasn’t YOU, so who was it? Even if you manage to narrow it down to that little innocent person batting his eyelids, he’ll totally deny culpability. Ghost Poeps. And all you’re trying to do is get him to learn “pardon me”, not threatening him with punishment.

Spilled milk

He’ll happily avoid crying over spilled milk by denying it. Even though his favourite Batman cup is right next to the mess dribbling down over the kitchen cupboards. You didn’t see me doing it, he seems to suggest, and it didn’t happen… Milk? What milk?

Marked innocence

Look, your accusations are all wrong: So someone drew on the couch with a permanent marker, but it wasn’t the kid. And besides, doesn’t it look prettier, now, with the spidery hedgehog? No? Ha, no accounting for tastes.

Have you… yet?

Done your homework/brushed your teeth/tidied your room? The legal maxim goes, never ask a question to which you don’t know the answer, but this doesn’t apply to the Laws of Parenting. You know the teeth haven’t been brushed and that the room is a mess, but your kids will still try their luck. Of course I’ve done it, they’ll lie.

Maybe we have it all wrong. Our kids are as honest as the day is long, and strange, paranormal forces are at work. Something is slipping into our houses to disrupt the order of things and cause us to blame our innocent-as-lambs children. Sound plausible, right?

What’s the biggest fib your child has ever told? Tell us about it at and you could win a R250 voucher.

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