When my siblings and I were younger, our dad used to send us on adventures every Saturday afternoon to find a supposed giraffe that he would tell us he’d spotted earlier, roaming around the neighbourhood. We grew up in a small, fairly safe town, and we’d be gone for hours trying to find the damn thing. We never found it. And after a few weeks I began doubting whether or not there really was a giraffe anywhere near our town so I left my siblings and walked home to question my Dad.
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When I walked inside our house, strange noises came from upstairs. Someone was in distress. It was my mom. Oh, it was my Dad too. “Oh no, what’s happening up there? Why are they crying like that?” I thought. I rushed up the stairs to go and save them. Sadly, I saw more than I ever wanted to see in full HD.
I’m just going to go ahead and say this and then move swiftly along; that was the day I caught my parents having sexy-time.
Whilst my first encounter with walking in on my parents during sexy-time is something that I don’t think will ever escape from my memory, my poor brother had a completely different introduction.
When he was eight my parents bought him a collection of ‘You can read’ videos. He loved them. So much so that he had told his teacher all about them, and she suggested that he should bring one along for ‘Show and Tell’. The next morning he rushed off to school, almost forgetting about taking one of the videos. He ran back into the house, climbed up my dad’s TV unit and grabbed the video box. My mom asked what he was doing so he showed her the “You can read video box” and told her he was taking it for show and tell
When "show and tell" goes wrong
At school, my brother was always the last kid to go up, thanks to the first letter of his name being right at the end of the alphabet. Most of his friends who’d already gone up had shown videos of their family holidays etc, so the video-machine and TV was all set up and ready for him to show the teacher and his friends the “You can read” video. Knowing that there were only five minutes left of that class before break-time, he rushed to the front of the class, opened the video-box and quickly popped the video into the machine. He pressed ‘play’ only for everyone to watch my Dad’s X-rated porn video, titled “Australian fun”. The teacher, his classmates and our Principal’s daughter who was in his class at the time all went from ambitious to utterly horrified in the space of ten seconds.
I know what you’re thinking; my parents must have been terrible parents to have not been more careful to prevent these sorts of things from happening, but now that I’m older I understand that sometimes it’s hard for parents to ensure their privacy at all times.
As painfully nauseating as it’s been to write about this, I think I’m mature enough now to understand that my parents were/are human, they were young and they weren’t always perfect.
Mistakes happen; sex happens (a lot, in my parent’s case, but hey at least they’re still…eww, never mind).
While your kids probably know exactly what you were doing, here are some other ways to explain to younger kids what you were up to:
“Mommy and I were just wrestling”
“Daddy was giving Mommy a big, morning hug”
"Mommy was trying to make Daddy's tummy flat"
“We’re playing hide-and-seek”
“Your Daddy and I have taken up horizontal dancing”
What excuses have you given your children?