Think you might have become the parent of teen overnight? Look out for these tell-tale signs.
Everyone’s children go through the ‘wonder years’, that magical time when they think their mom is superhuman. But the day does, alas, dawn when they come to the disappointing conclusion that you are, in fact, subhuman – and that’s when they become teenagers.
If you’re still labouring under the impression that your kids and you are on the same delightful trip, take this quiz.
1. The phrase most often used by your offspring is:
a. ‘Chill, ma.’
b. ‘I knnnnoooow.’
c. None (seething silence reigns)
2. An ABBA song comes on the radio and you dance to it. Your kids:
a. Stick their fingers down their throats in an amusing parody of making themselves sick
b. Run from the room
c. Take a picture of you on their phone and post it on Facebook over the caption ‘Want to die much?’
3. When you turn on your computer in the morning:
a. It won’t boot because a virus has crashed the hard drive.
b. Surprising and sometimes alarming unfamiliar icons appear on your screen.
c. Your homepage is now Facebook, under your child’s login.
4. When you decide to have a nice calming alcoholic drink one evening after a horrible day, you discover:
a. There’s no whisky left.
b. There’s no wine left.
c. There’s no vodka left.
5. You promised yourself you’d never say certain things but you do. They include:
a. ‘Because I’m your mother and I said so.’
b. ‘You’re not going out dressed like that, young lady.’
c. ‘Turn that infernal noise down!’
6. Your fridge:
a. Is full for just 15 minutes per week, straight after you’ve done your grocery shop.
b. May as well be a cupboard, it spends so much time open.
c. Is the object (sentient ones included) in your house with which your child has the most face time.
7. When you serve a lovingly prepared lasagne for dinner, your children say:
a. ‘I’m not eating pasta any more, it’s fattening.’
b. ‘I’ve decided to become a vegetarian; people who eat meat are murderers.’
c. ‘I’m not hungry.’
8. You drive a sensible family car. Your children think it’s:
c. Useful for driving lessons
9. Someone’s got to empty the dishwasher. Who will do it?
b. You, after several hours of fruitless nagging.
c. Your kids, after you’ve shamelessly bribed them.
10. In your next life, you’d like to come back as:
a. A hermit
b. A nun
c. A cat
11. There are arguments you never thought you’d get into, but you do, every day. They include:
a. ‘Why must I make it? I’m only going to get back into it again tonight.’
b. ‘Why must I do it? Homework is for losers.’
c. ‘Sheesh, what’s the big deal? It’s only money.’
12. Your friends are considered by your children to be:
13. The way you dress makes your children:
c. So embarrassed they just want to die
14. You never thought mere physical expressions could drive you to near-murder, but they do. They include:
a. Rolling of the eyes
b. Shrugging of the shoulders
c. Sprawling of the entire body
15. Your general state of mind is:
e. Frantically worried
i. Chemically sedated
Click here to find out your results