New dad, roving eye
Don’t get tempted to stray! Our single dad warns new fathers.

I got a call from a mate the other day who was on the verge of having an affair. His wife had given birth recently, and he wasn't coping at all. Things were just not what they used to be, he said.

'Everything's changed, her body is scary, I never get to spend any quality time with her, and as much as I love the baby, it's the only bloody thing that interests her these days.'

So I begin talking him off the edge. 'Do you still love her, I mean are you still in-love with her?' 'Yes of course I am.' 'So what’s with the tart you're thinking about playing hide-the-salami with?' 'I don’t know, I mean, I don’t even think I like her, I’m just so confused.'

Here's the thing. Guys listen up. Some of you Neanderthal types (and I say this with lots of love and affection) will experience a sense of abandonment when the missus gives birth and for all intents and purposes forgets about your existence. Baby comes first for at least the next 3 months, if not more.

Some men do stray and have brief affairs, or even affairs which lead to the ultimate collapse of the marriage, for reasons which have nothing whatsoever to do with the reality of what's actually going on. See, the Neanderthal can't rationalise what's happening. He is used to being treated like the head honcho, he brings home the bacon, so he expects certain things in return.

If there was another man vying for his partner’s attention, he’d probably take him outside and have a discreet conference call with him down a dark alley. But, he has no idea how to tackle this cute little bundle of joy that he loves as well, but resents it taking over his spot as numero uno in her life!

Like I said to my mate, firstly forget about the tart immediately, 'I'm not even joking here boet, she's history as of now okay?' 'If you love your wife, I’ll help you through this no prob.'

I explained to him how his wife was actually nurturing and nourishing HIS offspring, the seed of HIS loins, and that in a few months her body would miraculously return to normal (I hope she helps me out here), as will her sex drive and her desire to wear make-up and to do that thing with her tongue that drives you crazy.

'But, boet', I continued, you can make things easier and even speed up the process. 'How do I do that?' Help out more, get up when it howls for a feed. And take baby out on your own on the weekend so she can have a lie in. And tell her she is beautiful all the time, even when her butt looks like it was borrowed from a large farm animal. Treat her to a facial or spa-thingy.

And when it’s all over and the time is right, talk to her about your feelings. The worst that can happen is that she has a little chuckle about it. More often than not it will bring you closer to her. Men, especially the Neanderthals among us, feel all the emotions, but through centuries of conditioning some of us don’t know how to articulate what we’re feeling and instead seek instant gratification.

Last time I saw my mate he was cruising Lifestyle with the rest of the dads giving mom a Saturday morning off, instead of buying expensive lacy underwear for some tart.

Read more by Marlon Abrahams

Is Marlon’s advice likely to be useful to dads tempted to stray?

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