3 times babies are manipulators and liars
Babies come armed and dangerous. Here’s what to watch out for.

Babies are wily little people. From birth, they come equipped with a set of tricks designed to fool their parents. Here are some you should keep an eye out for.

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Peekaboo. Peekaboo AGAIN. One more for luck? What do you mean you’re still surprised. No, I’m finished playing that now. PEEKABOO. Fooled ya.

Only the baby wasn’t the one fooled, I was.

A brief analysis of this will help to expose the situation and how it got flipped.

1.    I move in with the puke rag (or whatever that thing is called).
2.    My face is concealed because I once read about a phenomenon in babies in which they don’t understand that you’re there unless they see your face.
3.    I whip the puke rag away, and the baby giggles like I’ve turned up in a Barney costume.
4.    Conceal face again.
5.    Reveal face. Giggles.
6.    Baby stares at me, waiting for the conceal move.
7.    I prepare to go and iron a Babygro or something. Kidding. Who irons a Babygro?
8.    Baby frowns. I conceal. Reveal. Giggles.
9.    Baby frowns. I conceal, reveal, giggles.

It’s the frown. A baby’s frown muscles are intricately connected to its bottom lip. In some infantile anatomical deviation, the frown causes the lip to distend slightly, pucker, then quiver, This reaction needs to be deal with quickly before the lip nerves connect to that most terrifying place – the tear ducts.

Watch new parents and you’ll see them trying to interpret the frown-pucker-cry chain of events. If they’re very observant, you’ll see them dive across the room to grab a stuffed animal toy or a dummy. If they’re exhausted and zoned out, you’ll just note that look of despair as the belly cry emerges from their kid. This is preceded by an odd vacuum in the room as the baby inhales every bit of oxygen in preparation.

Even better is the fake smile

Fake smiles are produced just after a lovely feed, when your child is relaxed and comfortable. It’s a moment of perfect peace, when everyone is just happy and calm. Look! He’s smiling, you think to yourself. Ah, contentment.

The Richter scale would probably fail to capture what happens next. A massive noise shakes the room and it’s coming from an unlikely place. It sounds so… adult. But it’s just your formerly–relaxed baby’s butt. How does a baby manage to poo out of its COLLAR, for goodness’ sake?

Didn’t see that coming did you, new parents?

“I’m faaaaast aslee… HEY, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?”

You have spent four hours rocking your child, balancing him in his chair on the washing machine or driving endlessly around the block to get him to go to sleep. Your elbows have frozen at a weird angle that will ruin any chance of ever being a concert pianist and you wonder what that noise is until you realise it’s your own desperate sobs. Finally, the little tyke’s eyes shut.

He’s so beautiful when he’s asleep, you smile, and carefully, oh so carefully, you try and lift yourself off the bed. One foot in the air, three fingers braced on the nightstand, your athletic grace means you’re moving with the skill of Bruce Lee and Mikhail Baryshnikov in absolute silence. As you get to the door, you look back. The kid’s eyelids flick open like some animated doll in a horror movie.

Every. Time.

Disclaimer: The views of columnists published on Parent24 are their own and therefore do not necessarily represent the views of Parent24.

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