7 baby lows
It’s not all moonlight and roses. But we love them to bits anyway.
1. Rock-hard boobs

All those months of being unable to sleep on your pregnant tummy, now you have these giant, rock solid breasts. Still can’t sleep on your front, and if you do, you’ll wake up in a puddle of milk. It’s at its most pronounced when your milk first comes in. Cabbage leaves in your bra help soothe that over-inflated feeling, supposedly.

2. Smelling of milk

What with leaking breasts and your baby puking on you, there are always moments when you get a whiff of yourself and realise you smell like cheese. Not in a good way.

3. Pee in the face

Although confined to mothers of sons, this is a strangely common experience. Very funny for onlookers, undignified and sometimes even painful for you. You quickly learn to hold the nappy over the penis until the new one is in place.

4. Third wake up of the night

The first time, you feed your baby, smile at her, rock her back to sleep. The second time you move like a zombie through the nappy change, put her down and just get back to sleep when...the third cry comes. By this time you are so tired, you are ready to cry yourself. But you feed the baby again.

5. “Great” advice

Everyone from grannies to colleagues and the woman at the supermarket will have a better idea than you do about how to hold, feed, burp and change the baby. Try to follow them all and you will go crazy. Pick one or two trusted advisers who’ve done it before, and ignore the rest even if they are blood relatives.

6. Tears at midnight, tears at 5am, tears in the evening “suicide” hour

Hormone changes are one cause, sleep deprivation another, and the torture of an inconsolable baby a third. And sometimes you’ll just cry because you don’t feel like yourself and wonder if you ever will again.

7. Wobble

Some of us have an ocean of post-baby wobble, others just a tiny puddle. But very few women get through a pregnancy or two without gaining a funny little pouch on their tummy. Takes a LOT of sit-ups to get rid of that thing.

You love your baby, but which bits could you do without?
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