5 terrible truths about babies
Believe it or not, babies aren’t all just fluffy cuteness.
Yes, they’re cute, and have the power to make a room full of people offer up a collective “aaaaaw”, but there are some terrible things about babies that you may not know. Your reasons for having one may differ, but whether you wanted to see what you and your partner looked like as a combo (a bit like the prawn and steak dish you had last week at the steakhouse), or your new baby is just a surprise, there are some things that other parents don’t (or won’t) tell you.

Is it the parental version of the bro-code? We’re not allowed to share the horrors of babies with the child-free? I don’t think so. Even if parents called together non-parents in a room and confessed all, non-parents would either think we’re lying, mad or just kidding. We’re not. Here are five of the most terrible things you probably won’t believe about babies:

They poo rainbows

You don’t know this, because the last time someone spoke or blogged about it, you either glazed over in boredom, or ran out of the room screaming. Baby poop comes in an array of shades which would make those hardware store paint colour booklets blush. Not only that, but, for parents, the colours aren’t merely decorative, they are diagnostic: There’s healthy brown, terrifying green, confusing orange and mystifying black. Despite what you think now, there’s a good chance that within a week of the baby’s birth, you’ll be discussing poo-hues with your paediatrician.

Snot has to come out

 This is a fact of life. Your baby will be lying there snicketting (you know- those attempts at nose-breathing through snot that sound like little clicks), and you realise he needs help. How do you get it out? There are little funnel things with rubber balls on you can buy at the pharmacy which do the job. Insert and pump. Or you can do as some mothers do, and use your mouth. Yes, that’s right, some moms suck the snot right out of their baby’s noses. Oysters, anyone?

They’re pukers

Perhaps you were a party animal when you were younger, and once, when you overdid it, your now very ex-boyfriend had to hold your hair while you threw up outside the pub. Well, you’re going to spend quite a lot of time propping someone else up while they puke. And puke they will. Unexpectedly, voluminously and extravagantly. More than you’d think was possible. They don’t run out, either. Curiously, though, the more they puke, the more you feel sorry for them.

Babies fart

Not sweet little farts, but giant man-farts. Their timing is impeccable, too. You’d better practice your alibis now, or, better yet, that fake shoe-scuff you can do at the supermarket check-out which simulates the sound of an explosive bum. Apart from that, get used to strangers laughing at you as they back away from your personal space.

They’re manipulative

This is one of those good-and-bad characteristics. If they could string coherent sentences together, they’d tell us it’s just part of the survival instinct. When they’ve cried all night or wet three outfits in a row or just not done what you wanted them to, they have the element of surprise going for them: The cute burp, unexpected smile or sudden babbling sentence defuses our frustrations and helps to get the “aaaaaaw” feelings back.

Those are just a few of the terrible truths about babies, but don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to discover some of your own...

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