I thought I had a father...
This reader realises that things are a lot different to what she thought.
“It really hurts so much to grow up without a father who will love you and support you unconditionally but again it make you strong and content.”

I grew up with a step father that I thought was my real father but as I grew up it turns out otherwise. Basically what I am saying is that we are three children of my mothers and each one of us has his/her own father. I did not know all of this but I somehow suspected because when I was young we were staying with my step-father's sons whom I also did not know that they are my step brothers, until I heard my aunt telling someone that my mother has only three children, my sister, myself then my younger brother and I wondered why is she not counting the others.

Back then we were not allowed to question anything and I obviously kept quiet and wondered. I grew up to realise that the father we are staying with is not even my sister's but my younger brother's father from my sister herself, and not in so many words, from my mother. Only when I was starting life on my own, I remember it was in May 1998 when my Aunt called me telling me that my family is somewhere in Soweto and my real surname is Lukhele, I was devastated as if I never knew anything like this before but then I think it is because somehow I expected that all that would just turn out to be lies and not the truth.

Still I chose not to confront my mother about this issue and only in 2000 when I was on maternity after giving birth to my first born son, my mother came in the bedroom and found me looking at a photo that had a man, a baby that looked so much like myself and my mom. She then said to me, that is your father and the room was silent for a while and after ten minutes she told me my father died when I was fourteen, she wanted to take me to his family but my step father did not allow her. I never had any strength to ask many questions and decided to let bygones be the bygones.

It is really painful not to know who your father is and only have a vision of him in your mind and old photos of him and yourself. Even though my mother played a very important role of raising us proper and gave all of us a decent education, it was not easy we all felt it and sometimes I felt is it really worth living but through my mother's guidance I am a mother today and am proud of who I turned out to be and my children loves their father to bits.

I think somehow looking at my mother raising us under such conditions made me stronger in a way and I feel very strong and content with my life at the moment because I know very well what life can be if you are not so strong and there is no father figure in your life to guide during all odds.

Thank you.



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