The 4 scariest kids you'll meet
Sam Wilson loves her own kids... but some are a bit too testing to tolerate.
(Getty Images)
I have long said that the worst thing about having kids is then having to spend time with other people’s kids. I am not really a kid person. I love MY kids. Not yours.

Now, as your own children age, you develop a couple of favourites among his or her friends… children that are actually quite nice to be around. And that helps. But you also get to meet those children who just frighten the pants off you. I’ve met them, and I know you have to.
And it is the prospect of having these kids in my garden on Hallowe’en that freaks me out far more than a stack of Freddy Kruger movies.

Scary Mikey
This is that boy born with the fatal combination of both energy and a predeliction for violence. I suspect Scary Mikeys emerge from the womb, yank a nipple, demand a toy gun and never look back. This is the kid who pushes other children off the top of the slide, sinks a fork into your youngest’s beautiful unblemished thigh and then, for good measure, sticks a kebab skewer into your dog’s eye. Toddler reins were invented for Scary Mikey. Most eerie is that he makes this noise constantly: “HahahBEEEBBAARRRBEEBAARRhahaHA!”

Not on a dark night in MY garden, Mikey. Not on your life.

Lila E
This child clearly has MDMA running through her veins. AS soon as a Lila E walks into a room, she will pick an unsuspecting kid-disliker and, much like a cat, attach herself. Even if you have never seen her before in your whole life, she will fold herself limpet-like about your person, and stare at you with huge eyes whilst playing with your hair and stroking your face… even if you are discussing the Shock Doctrine with someone else’s economist husband. Later you will find yourself trying to pee with Lila E still attached to your leg, saying things like: “I just LOVE you!”

One must assume Lila Es grows up to be Jessica Simpsons.

Silent Dan
A child with preternatural stealth, Silent Dan is most identifiable by his lack of facial expression and the eerie way in which he doesn’t seem to cast a shadow. Silent Dans are the children who vanish for a half an hour, only to be found in the kitchen with a fork sticking up amongst the ruin that was your toaster, trying to introduce your cat to the Armageddon of the Microwave.

Never reprimand a Silent Dan too strongly, as within a year or two, he will have unlimited access to your online identity.

Evil Emma
This is the little girl that was born with her Inner Heather fully formed. She is the child who looks you up and down appraisingly on introduction, and then… smiles knowingly at you. It’s beyond frightening, but only works on women. Men think she is the most adorable child ever.

Again, never thwart or publicly ridicule an Evil Emma. She’ll make you pay with remarks like, “So, Joey’s Mommy… were you fat before you had children or only after?”

Gaah! Gaah!

Sam has clearly allowed some children to psych her out. Have you ever met any of these scary children? Or are there other scary kid types out there that you are genuinely afraid of?


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