"Infertility is a silent killer, just like cancer – it eats at your soul, as cancer eats at your body"
Talischa Towsen wrote in to tell us about her struggle with infertility after relating to another reader's letter. "It feels like I'm failing," she writes. "Months have turned into years."
"I'm a little optimistic but I won’t be surprised at all if there are more issues to fix. This has been my life for the past 4 years. Testing, probing, examinations and medications." (iStock)

I agree with the lady who wrote the article, "The guilt and anger, the praying and hoping... it's soul destroying" – a reader shares her struggle with infertility

My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for what feels like a decade. But in reality its only been 4 years.  

I was on birth control to help regulate my cycles and I took them religiously for years. 

At 21 I met my husband and my future seemed crystal clear, I wanted to have a family with him. Today we are in our thirties and it's still only the two of us.

"Trying" is such a cruel word, because it feels a lot more like "failing". Months have turned into years.

Every month when my cycle begins, I am devastated. Crushed to the very core of my being. I sometimes sink into such despair and depression.  

Some months I would be doing everything I could to make conceiving as easy as possible. Eating healthily, taking vitamins, keeping my feet warm, you name it – I've tried it. 

Other months I would be so overcome with grief and guilt, that I would overindulged in sugar, caffeine and alcohol – anything that would make me feel better. 

This is the seesaw of struggling with fertility.

Do you have an infertility story you'd like to share with us? Tell us by emailing chatback@parent24.com and we may publish it on the site.

I had been to many, many gynaecologists and all of them had their own theories. I've undergone two surgeries for blocked fallopian tubes and fibroids, and I was hoping that the worst was behind me. But life always has other plans. 

Two miscarriages

We were fortunate to conceive twice, but I lost both very early in the pregnancies. My first miscarriage came at 4.5 weeks. I didn’t realise at the time what exactly was happening. Had I not done a pregnancy test, I wouldn’t even have known. The second was at 5.5 weeks, and I knew something was wrong the moment the bleeding and cramping started.

Clinging to my sanity by the tips of my fingernails and holding on for dear life, I begged, pleaded and bargained with God to save my baby. 

But it was too late… our GP confirmed the miscarriage the next morning.

Anyone who has gone through this will tell you that it’s a type of pain that you have never felt before. It’s a loss of something so innocent and pure, that it takes a part of your soul when it goes. No parent should ever have to go through the loss of a child. And what makes me even more angry is when people say that it wasn’t a baby yet. It was just a bunch of cells and there wasn’t a heartbeat so it can’t be called a baby. To hell with them, I say!

For the woman who carried that little miracle, for however short a time, it was a baby to her – it was the miracle that she had been waiting for. And the loss should be mourned.

Time heals all wounds? I haven’t experienced that yet and I don’t think I ever will. You never get over it, you know. The dream, the hope, the desire to be a mom.

Coincidentally, 2 months after my last mc, our sister in-law fell pregnant. They had only been trying for a few months, so I was shocked to find out how easy it is for some people. They didn’t have to go for a test or take the medications. Naturally we were both so happy for them, and in some way it was a distraction from the pain, but as her belly grew, my envy and resentment did too.

Intrauterine insemination and the road ahead

We have already attempted two failed IUIs this year. For the first 6 months of 2018 I had been on Clomid and Medformin. Apparently the chance of conceiving with IUI is only 20%. I didn’t expect it to be so low. It's not much different from the normal conception rate of 20% per month, if you have intercourse 3 times a week for that month. We did blood work and more tests. I was diagnosed with PCOS and endometriosis. And the stress isn’t helping either.

I went to see another fertility doctor, Dr J Hansen at the Natal Fertility Clinic. He found calcium deposits in my uterus, which sounds to me like calcified fibroids. I'm not sure yet what he will do to treat them, but for now he ordered some intensive blood work. Which I will get done this week.

Yeah, more needles.

I’m a little optimistic but I won’t be surprised at all if there are more issues to fix. This has been my life for the past 4 years. Testing, probing, examinations and medications. I’m like a guinea pig.

But wish me luck. Trying to have a baby is the hardest thing I have ever done. 

– Talischa Towsen

Do you have an infertility story you'd like to share with us? Tell us by emailing chatback@parent24.com and we may publish it on the site.

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