Wannabe mommy
Controlling desires and disappointments is hard when trying to conceive.
This feeling of loss far surpasses anything I’ve ever experienced: The utter loneliness and despair overtakes me every time I think about it, every time I see it around me, and every time my cycle starts.

Miscarriage is more than just about losing a physical baby. It’s about the future that was lost. Or at least, that’s how I feel about it. I’ve always wanted babies. I remember telling my mom when I was in high school that if there was a way, I’d have children, without the man – even at 16! Needless-to-say, she was not impressed. We were only married for 2 years when we lost our business and we decided to put having a baby on the back burner. I never realised that my desire would come back with such a vengeance.

What does the future hold?

Time passed and the thought of children only fleetingly visited and then departed as I convinced myself that financially we were not ready yet. There was also no pressure as I already had 2 beautiful step-children. Had I however realised what challenges the future would hold, I never would have waited. Various circumstances led me to a gynaecologist who diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic ovarian syndrome). I don’t fit the normal profile. I’m not overweight, don’t have facial hair and have a fairly regular cycle – even though it can last up to 43 long days! I visited a fertility specialist for a 2nd opinion only to discover that first diagnosis was incorrect, even though there is no explanation as to why my cycle is so long.

One Thursday in July, the day of my Granma’s funeral and the day before my birthday brought with it a lot of mixed emotions as we discovered I was pregnant. My birthday gift was a book on pregnancy, in addition to the first set of clothes, shoes and little soft toy for our new bundle of joy. But just 4 days after, I started miscarrying. No warning & no pain. ‘Just treat it like a normal cycle’ my doctor told me. I was devastated as I realised the dreams I had conjured up, had just disappeared.

The desire has increased almost 100-fold. It consumes my mind and takes over my emotions. I used to advise couples who were trying to conceive to remember that it was all about timing. ‘Your baby has a purpose too, and when the right time comes, he or she will be born, so that it’s the right time for them to live out their destiny. It’s not just about you.’ Now I realise how ignorant I was. It is about me. It is about you.

Conception is as much about you as it is a baby

Allow me to encourage you that if you’re trying to conceive, to not give up. You’re surely not alone and there are many options available if you’ve been trying for more than 6 months without success. Above all, work on controlling your thoughts as it’s where the battle is fought. Envision holding your baby and don’t let go. It will happen, if we don’t lose heart.

Disclaimer: The views of columnists published on Parent24 are their own and therefore do not necessarily represent the views of Parent24.
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