Warning: Children on board
Warning: Children on board
Scott Dunlop
Did you know that children are harmful for your health? They should come with a warning label with a list of possible dangers which come with the parenting territory. Don’t laugh - think about it for a moment - how many times have you been injured in the line of duty as a mom or dad?

Here are just a few of the perils of parenting you may experience:

Danger! Ninja baby!

The retina slash. There you are with a silly grin on your face, watching baby sleep next to you. Without warning, a tiny hand flails on the pillow, and miniature nails slice across your eyeball. While you’re still gasping in shock, a little foot defies gravity as the “innocent” baby lifts his foot completely over his own head to kick you in the other eye.

May contain small parts

You always thought that disclaimer was to flag a choking hazard. Nope - That one morning when you wake up early to rekindle your love life and afterwards tip-toe down to the kitchen to make coffee will be the day the kid releases the heavy artillery: Lego and marbles. Nothing can quite express the pain of standing on an isolated piece of Lego or a marble in the dark. Your knees give way, and you collapse into the bookshelf, waking the whole house. Cue the BAD WORD you aren’t allowed to say.

Easy self-assembly

I have personally been through this repeatedly (which doesn’t say much for my ability to learn): Going partially blind while trying to read the badly translated assembly instructions for a toy, and then lacerating my fingers with sharp metal corners, all in the semi-darkness as the birthday present had to be put together in secret, while he’s asleep. An added rule: There will always be some extra washers and a lever-looking thing left over.

I could go on, but I reckon you could come up with a few parenting injuries of your own, right? (Also, am I the only dad out there who receives this chorus in response to any sudden pain/mishap I experience: HAHAHAH! Even if I’m bleeding actual blood from my actually damaged body, my kids respond with laughter. Eventually they settle down, but they never offer to get me a sticking plaster or kiss my owie better!)

To be honest, we wear our scars with pride. Sometimes the story of how dad obliterated his collarbone at a kid’s party (been there, done that) or mom blew out her ankle carrying a tired kid down a rocky path will become family legends, and that’s pretty cool. You may only have stubbed your toe, but over the years the story will grow to have you in traction for six weeks. Hero parents!

So don’t say you haven’t been warned (not that warnings help). Just try and see it as one of YOUR milestones which happen when you are looking out for your children’s milestones- the hidden pain of parenting.

Why not tell us about the accidents, mishaps and injuries which are part of your family legend? Send your entries to chatback@parent24.com and you could win a R250 kalahari.com voucher.

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