Pregnant hot mama
Has anyone seen my inner hot mama? I know she’s in there somewhere...
I’m having my second child in a few months time and I’m starting to show now. That is, people regularly confuse me for a double decker bus or a beached whale.

It’s great, being pregnant, isn’t it? The puking, the crying, the backache, the constipation, the water retention, the swollen feet. It’s such an attractive time.

Not. It’s horrid! Obviously the miracle of life aspect is incredible and I view the whole experience as a privilege, but all the side effects are far from fun and even further from attractive.

If my husband had a rand for every time I said, ’Do I look hideous?’ and I had a rand for every time he replied, ‘Not at all sweetheart! You look…swell!’ Then we could easily afford all the cosmetic surgery I’m going to need to restore myself to my former glory.

I’m exaggerating of course, but in all seriousness, how am I supposed to feel attractive and sexy during pregnancy when the only way I can stop my excessive sweating is if I stand in front of an open deep freeze?

I know that I should just get over myself. So I’m not Giselle Bundchen-perfect-bum, looking hot in her bikini and strutting down a runway while her episiotomy scar was still itchy. But few people are.

The way I see it, I have two options. Firstly, I could forget all about feeling attractive for the next oh, 20 years or so, and accept my fate as a slummy mummy; or secondly, I could acknowledge that yes, things (my ass, legs and boobs) have changed, and but that doesn’t mean I’ve reached Jabba the Hut status. Yet.

I can still be attractive. In a glistening (sweaty), curvy (round), insatiable (always hungry) kind of way.

I am determined to access my inner hot mama. Someone pass me the whipped cream. Just as soon as I’m done putting oil on my stretch marks.

How sexy do you feel when you’re pregnant?

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