- Communicate with your partner and make sure your presence is expected by the kids.
- When being introduced to your partner's children, try not to replace their mother.
- Adopting a positive attitude will go a long way.
- Avoid altercations between you and the children's mother.
Zandi, 32, met Sizwe and fell in love. He is exactly the guy she was looking for but he has two kids.
“I don’t have a child, and I’m not ready to be a parent yet. So many things are going through my mind: will we go out together with the kids? Will I be holding his hand or theirs? And what if they don’t like me? Will they matter in our relationship?” she says.
Vuyo Lekhelebana, a Gqeberha-based clinical psychologist, says if you want to be in a relationship with a guy who has kids, you need to be realistic. She suggests taking it slow.
“Give yourself and the children time to adjust to the situation. Meet them at least six months into the relationship. Give careful consideration to where your first meeting will be.
It’s usually better to meet at informal venues where kids can play,” she says.
“Keep in mind that as much as you need time to prepare to meet the children, they need that too. Before you meet, check with your man if the kids are aware you’ll be coming along. Children are very insecure, especially when they feel like someone is taking their place.”
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Molamudi, 38, has two children with two different women – a girl, 8; and a boy, 3, who lives with his mother.
“I’ve lived with my daughter since she was born. Her mother and I broke up when she was three years old. I paid lobola for her mom, so that means I also paid for the child. According to African culture, I could keep my daughter when her mother and I broke up. Her mother has remarried and our daughter visits her regularly.”
Dating has been a challenge.
“I’m upfront with the women I meet. I tell them I have a kid. Some of them don’t believe me; others think it’s cute. You can’t hide a child when you are living with her. Also, if it gets serious we’ll need to support each other, so it won’t be a healthy relationship if she doesn’t accept my children.”
Molamudi believes it’s important to introduce his new partners to his children. “I believe they should understand that I’m in a relationship. I always tell them the truth.”
Child psychologist Cristine Scolari warns that the kids may not welcome you with open arms.
“They have to adjust to a new situation, and if the separation of their parents was recent, they will still have unprocessed feelings about the separation and are likely to feel ambivalent about a new partner,” she explains.
1. Don’t try too hard
In her book The Smart Stepmom, author Laura Petherbridge says step parents often fail to recognise that they don’t have the same emotional attachment, influence or power in the home to bring about “good mothering”.
Laura, also a stepmom, advises women in this situation to understand that they will never replace the kids’ mom.
“As a stepmom, you may hold a unique and special place in their hearts. Give yourself a break. You cannot take their mom’s place, so don’t go crazy trying. But as you get comfortable with one another over time, you may be tempted to start behaving like their mother,” she says.
Be careful no to fall into that trap. When it’s time for the introduction, Vuyo says you should “insist on him introducing you as his girlfriend, not an old school friend or a colleague. Being dishonest might set a tone for mistrust in your relationship with the children. Gradually increase the time spent with them as your relationship develops and they start to feel comfortable around you”.
In the initial stages of meeting the children, Vuyo recommends spending a minimal amount of time with them.
“It’s best to let the children decide where you fit into their lives and let the relationship develop naturally. Make yourself available as additional support and provide guidance for them, but leave major decisions to the biological parents.”
2. Be loving
Family and relationship counsellor Dr Phil McGraw says kids may think it’s all about them but it shouldn’t be like that.
“I think we’ve raised kids in this generation to have the idea that everything is all about them,” says Dr Phil.
“It’s like, ‘He’s my dad, he is supposed to take care of me. He’s not supposed to be going out doing something I don’t want him to do, particularly when it’s not with my mother.’” But you need to adjust to your role as a step parent.
“Make the effort to get involved as a family. Ask yourself, ‘What can I do to close the gap and heal this? Can I help in some way? Can I be warmer? Can I be more involved? Can I be more caring?’” advises Dr Phil.
Vuyo adds that your new partnership represents a major change in the children’s lives, and the last thing you want to do is come in and introduce more changes.
“This will only alienate the children and possibly your partner as well, and breed resentment.”
In their article The 5 Secrets of Effective Step-parenting, Carri and Gordon Taylor, who are experts on blended families, advise new step-parents not to compete with their counterparts but rather to uphold them.
Don’t try to be a better mom than your step kids’ biological mother. No matter what you think of her style of parenting and discipline (or lack thereof ), it’s important to respect and acknowledge the strength of the biological connection.
The Taylors write: “The reality is that you may never love them as your own, or even like them. And remember, you can’t make your step kids like you either. You are the ‘intruder’ in their minds.”
But even if you don’t like them, you can learn to act lovingly towards them. As the relationship develops, love may also develop.
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3. Adopt a positive attitude
One of Zandi’s main concerns was how she would relate to the children’s mother. Vuyo says that, handled correctly, the relationship can be cordial.
“Avoid altercations between yourself and the mother because it may make the children insecure or anxious. Never make derogatory comments about their mother and be civil in your relationship with her.”
Study the nature of the relationship between your partner and the children’s mother.
“Ask yourself if you can live with the fact that they have a relationship. They have children together, so they have to keep in touch. If the children are younger, the contact may be more frequent and may lessen as the children grow older. This is something you have to deal with and accept. However, without clear boundaries, there will be problems,” says Vuyo.
“Ultimately, if you can’t see yourself living without him, surrender to the fact that his kids come as part of the package. No matter how you have struggled with the idea of being with a man with kids, having a positive approach will go a long way towards making it work. Don’t quit at the first sight of a hurdle. Commitment from both partners to make the relationship work is key,” Vuyo explains.
Lastly, be flexible and accommodating because there may be instances in which you partner will prioritise his children over you.
“He has to deal with the competing demands of the relationship and his children’s needs. Choosing to compete for your partner’s time and attention may negatively affect your relationship with him and the children,” cautions Vuyo.
