- Talking with your partner about what you're comfortable and not comfortable with will help guide you.
- Watching porn can be a great way to find out what turns you on.
- Feel confident and try not to internalise the unrealistic beauty standards of women in porn.
Lebo, 35, from Cape Town, is one of a growing number of women who watch porn and enjoy it.
“I’m single at the moment and I really like watching porn. My ex and I used to hire porn movies together. When we split up, I carried on viewing porn. It’s a great way to get you in the mood and you can pick up tips and ideas for the next time you’re with a man. Porn isn’t for everyone, but it’s definitely worth trying it,” she says.
Celebrities can be notoriously guarded about their private lives, so we were surprised when actress Cameron Diaz once admitted she loves watching dirty movies from the comfort of her hotel room. Back in the day, raunchy images and films were only available from seedy sex shops or hidden in the pages of top-shelf magazines.
Now, thanks to the internet, porn is freely accessible 24/7 – you can even get it on your phone. In a sex survey conducted in South Africa by Health24, 70 percent of the female respondents said they don’t watch porn in an average week, compared to 33 percent of men.
So what impact is this having on our relationships? Is it okay to watch it with your man, or is it damaging to a healthy sex life? Love it or loathe it, porn is everywhere and chances are, your man watches it occasionally.
1. A great turn-on
How would you feel if you found some X-rated content on your man’s internet history? Would you be disgusted or would you think it’s normal?
“Some women feel betrayed if they find out their man has been watching porn,” says psychotherapist Adrianne Irvine.
“For many women, the idea of their man being turned on by someone other than them is upsetting. Porn also portrays an unrealistic idea of sex – it could be giving your man a warped idea of what your sex life should be like.”
However, it’s not all bad news. Dr Clarissa Smith, an expert in sexual cultures at the University of Sunderland, UK, says that watching porn can be a great way to find out what turns you on.
“Porn can be a form of exploration and a way to get in touch with your sexual desires. It can often be awkward to explore your fantasies with a partner, so some people use porn as a way of doing this. It’s natural to want to see naked bodies, so if your man’s watching porn, it could just be his way of stimulating his imagination when you’re not around.”
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2. Feel confident
Whatever your view on adult films, knowing your man is watching the clichéd porn star is enough to make any girl feel insecure.
“Porn can really damage a woman’s self-worth and make her feel like she isn’t good enough,” warns Adrianne.
“Most pornographic images and videos objectify women, meaning that men see them purely as sex objects. They can also give a guy the idea that a woman’s only purpose is to satisfy him in the bedroom, which couldn’t be further from the truth.”
If that’s enough to make you want to hack into your man’s laptop and change his internet settings to “parental control” levels, it’s important to remember that men don’t necessarily want their women to look like porn stars, and might even be put off by the “fake” nature of some of the content.
“Most men are really excited at the prospect of having a girl they find attractive in the bedroom, and couldn’t care less about body shape or cellulite,” reassures Nicci Talbot, author of Good Sex –The Essential Guide.
“In porn, most women have little or no pubic hair, so he may be more used to this. However, what you decide to do is totally up to you.”
3. Talk about it
As the saying goes: “Sex isn’t like it is in the movies.” And that couldn’t be truer than when it’s applied to X-rated films. In real life, we all know sex doesn’t usually involve gymnastic positions and multiple orgasms.
The more X-rated films are watched by couples, the more previously taboo acts, like anal sex or spanking, seep into our bedroom talk. And while it’s fine to indulge in racier acts if they turn you on, there’s a danger that watching too much porn could put women under pressure to do things they aren’t comfortable doing.
“When men watch porn, they’re fed ideas about sex that often don’t match up to what it’s really like,” says Adrianne. “Porn rarely involves contraception. This is extremely damaging because real sex is riddled with complications like sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and unplanned pregnancies.
“In addition, if a man is used to watching porn films where women are up for anything, there’s a danger they can translate this to real life and expect their partner to do things she doesn’t necessarily want to do.”
If you’re concerned about what your man views online, talk to him.
“Relationships are based on mutual respect; discuss what you are and aren’t comfortable doing,” says Adrianne.
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4. Watch with him
If you and your man have the right attitude towards porn, watching it together can be a great way to add a new dimension to your sex life.
“Ban touching each other while you watch the movies,” suggests Nicci. “This will build your arousal, and you can figure out which parts turn you on the most. If you’re feeling very daring, you could even go to see live porn in action at a peep show, but this isn’t for everyone, so make sure you talk about it before you do it.”
If you’re single, viewing porn can be a great way to enjoy some solo sex.
“Watching an erotic movie while you masturbate can also help you identify what turns you on,” says Nicci. “The most important thing is to keep well within your comfort zone.”
