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COLUMN | Metro cops, stop playing hide-and-seek and help us on the roads

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"How you doing sir, your seatbelt isn't on. I'm going to have to either write you up or you can sponsor my lunch today. I like Coca Cola."
"How you doing sir, your seatbelt isn't on. I'm going to have to either write you up or you can sponsor my lunch today. I like Coca Cola."
Sharon Seretlo/ Gallo Images

You have to love South Africa. We have Table Mountain, the Big Five and almost every crime imaginable flourishing within our borders.

We have a diverse portfolio of crime in this country. If they added crime to the Olympic games, we would be a global sporting superpower. Gold every time, leading the league in every statistical category you can conjure.

The fastest hijackings with some of the highest rates of occurrence there are, not to mention all kinds of runners pushing guns,  flipping drugs, and trafficking humans on our roads. Funny how it has been a hot minute since I have personally heard of a really big bust on the roads thanks to the tireless efforts of our traffic cops.

I mean how adorable is this post.

The real players in the drug game move metric tons of product, monthly. Catching two runners with 29 packs on them is worthy of a post...that's really cute.

I genuinely do not get what these people are doing.

How do you spend your entire day playing hide and seek instead of doing actual work?

I know you know who I’m talking about. The Johannesburg Metro Police Department (JMPD) and all their equivalents throughout the country.

Camouflaged cameras, hiding their cars so they can catch you doing 70km in a 60 zone. What a crime.

That time shipments of trafficked people are going by uninterrupted but you’re in the bushes playing games with your little speed cameras. It's as stupid as an author riding around town with a sosh plata that says 'writer'. 

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Loadshedding hits and we have to pray for Outsurance to do us a solid as you will never catch JMPD trying to ease the burden of a busted traffic light at a big intersection. 

In Joburg, people have even taken to shelling traffic lights, stripping them of the wiring inside to sell that for cash.

Do you know how much time it takes to roll up on an intersection, knock down a light, shell it, then repeat this seven times?

Where are the patrols?

Camping outside events looking to shake people down for cold drink money. Ya’ll are pathetic. It is a well-known secret that you can get out of a jam with these people by slipping them a R20 for a kota.

JMPD
I'll tell you something for free, it takes skill and dedication to hide in the bushes rocking lumo orange and green.

“Let me go malume and hold this choko. Buy yourself something nice, yeah?”

Where does all that traffic fine money go to, even?

As it turns out, fines are the biggest source of other revenue for municipalities.

So, in other words, it's getting chowed and not by you. 

In 2020, municipalities collected R5,9 billion in fines, a decrease from the R6,3 billion acquired in the previous year, marking a reduction of R344 million.

That money is sure as s**t not going towards the upkeep of our roads because it's straight rally car driving out here with the number of potholes we have to swerve to keep from wrecking the transie.

“Ya mshana wami, your tyre tread is looking a bit slick on these front wheels.”

Excuse me, officer, spell tyre tread for me…

‘You don’t want to go to court for a kop of the dagga.’

Priddy Ugly couldn't have said it better.

I have a vivid memory of being pulled over with a homie back in my student days and things almost turned pretty ugly for us.

We had just come from a game of football and so his car mats had some grass on them. Actual grass.

Cops pulled us over and claimed this was marijuana. This isbut a snippet of the intellectual incompetence these people can display and we're to trust them with our safety and policing our roads.

JMPD
'We pledge allegiance to making illegal bread and being the best hide and seek players the world has ever seen.'

I personally never feel like these people are either protecting or serving me.

Au contraire, I get pulled over and wonder how this talentless person will try to hustle me.

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I’m just saying, add some value.

It is important that we don’t drive recklessly or inebriated but that’s all you do all day.

Everyone in the city knows exactly where the drugs are at, and I submit that these police officers know too but the roadblocks are simply so they can attain their slice of the pie and not curb the distribution of narcotics.

If it were to stop drug smugglers, then how come I can take you to where they cook it and sell it right now?

We can’t even fully trust roadblocks because, on occasion, cops loan out their cars and uniforms to their bras who want to hit licks on the road. You might be asked to step out of your vehicle and be violently relieved of it because the cops are actually criminals.

It is your legal right to see identification when pulled over by a traffic cop. Why when they know people impersonate and pose as officers is this not the first thing they do?

Because these people don’t care.

Pay your fines, though. Even though you can just go to a licensing department, spot those brothers in the parking lot with their car boots open and who have ties inside the licensing building, and, for a nominal fee, skip the eye test and renew your license with any fines completely expunged.

Real talk, it'll cost you like R700. 

I know JMPD loves soft drinks but please get to doing some real work and stop playing iCoca-Cola ebandayo. 


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