Losing a baby via miscarriage is one of the hardest things I have had to experience. I was only 9 weeks pregnant at the time but in that short time, the baby was far more than just an idea to me. It was a future that had never come to pass. I had a lot of feelings and emotions about it but I got through it, over it and I accepted it.
Some times I wonder about that little life and how very different our lives would be now. But honestly with two other kids who give me a run for my money I am often kept far too busy for those thoughts to surface. But in the quiet moments my heart aches.
Different women deal with child loss in different ways, it's what makes the human condition a fascinating one. Some women are able to move on easier than others and others feel a bit empty.
And again child loss can mean so many different things. According to Susana Butterworth who created the Empty Project, it can be via miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility, adoption, adult child loss, divorce or abortion.
After the miscarriage of her son in March 2017, she felt alone in her grief. Something I understood only too well. My husband couldn't really understand though it was his loss too. My mother couldn't understand, she'd birthed both her babies. But my aunt could, she had experienced this loss too and she shared that with me. I wouldn't say I felt better but I didn't feel alone.
That was Susana's aim with the Empty Project. To make women who had suffered child loss (whether it be by miscarriage, death, stillbirth, infertility, adoption, adult child loss, divorce or abortion) feel that they were not alone in their grief. That there were others who understood the pain and that it was okay to talk about it.
On her website she says, "hoping to create a dialogue, I started the Empty Photo Project. I want to approach child loss head on. I want to give it a face and show the community that those who’ve lost children are all around us, often without our knowing. It’s real."
"Every portrait is taken in a location that has significant meaning to each story. The individual in the image holds a mirror, thereafter manipulated in Photoshop, to represent the emptiness and grief they feel after losing one or more children. The participants are then asked to describe in 200-400 words what their “empty” looks like and what it means personally."
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"[...]It was the best and worst moment of my life all at the same time. I held him 5 hours, I didn’t want to let him go, he was finally in my arms, but the heartbreaking reality was that he was gone. My body failed him, it wasn’t his fault, he fought so hard, his tiny soul could finally rest. He lived for 11 days, but will live in me and bring purpose to everything I do forever. Never has my heart truly felt the pain that the word empty can hold until now, my arms are empty as is my heart. An unimaginable pain I am overcome with a magnitude of sadness and anxiety I never knew could exist, and succumb to a permanent feeling of hopelessness. My whole being aches for him every single day, I would give anything for one more moment with him. I cry so often it just become a part of who I am, I will never be the same. It’ll never be understood as to why this had to happen, he deserved a chance at life, and I would have given him, and his two siblings mine, for them to get that opportunity."
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"(...) "Hearing that made me even angrier because it was meant to be, it was my baby boys. They deserved everything I had and more, but after the anger passed I just remember that Mason and I will always have our angel and Mason’s protector. Til this day I wake up at 2:15 am and I know that's when Maddox is with me because he heard my heart beat and felt my love with him. Maddox will always be watching us, we will celebrate him every day."
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"[...] I still have hope for myself and my husband that we someday conceive another baby; and give our son a little brother/sister in the physical world; he would be such an amazing big brother. We have learned to accept what God has taught us with our miscarriage and are living life to the fullest; and are always keeping the memory of our baby alive. "I will not cause pain without allowing something new to be born, says the Lord." Isaiah 66:9"
Have you experienced child loss? Send us your stories to chatback@parent24.com and we could share them with others who have also experienced this loss.
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